SMASH THAT SLIZZARD

Episode 1!

Good EVENING ladies and gentlemen! And welcome to tonight's Wednesday special: SMASH THAT SLIZZARD!!!!

We are absolutely DELIGHTED to see you here this fine evening, and with our special host, ROBIN MC SLANDER!!!! Now, if you would all turn your attention to these curtains right here... Yes Mr Harvey, I can see you're curious, and you have EVERY reason to be! Because beyond these red drapes is a mystery you have ALL been dying to see...

Yes yes... All very interesting... But let's leave that for now. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you, the most snazzy, the only, the most impeccably dressed... ROBIN MC SLANDER!!!!! (I pause for dramatic applause).

Now, I'm sure all of you have been waiting for a chance to speak to Robin here, so I've put together a couple questions, based entirely on all your wonderful emails sent into my work yesterday. Let me tell you- that was a hassle!!!!

ROBIN! My man! For our first question, (laughs) this HAS to be from the ladies-!- 'How many women have you dated, and WHAT are their names and addresses!?" Well, well well... What have you to say ROBIN???

(Coughs nervously) Well ladies, a pleasure though it is to gain your utmost interest in my personal affairs, I'm afraid you're going to be disappointed... You see, (laughing) your murder list is going to be significantly shorter than you would expect, I'm sure.My one and only girlfriend, a lovely girl named Evie, was eleven when I met her, and although we dated for a couple months, it never really worked out between us that way...(The audience pauses in a still moment of collective grief and understanding) We have, however, stayed in touch all these years, and as a man of 26 years now, I'm extremely grateful that we are still friends.(The audience smiles and laughs)

Anyway, I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone-

WAIT! ROBIN! LET me stop you there lad! For we have a special guest... (Drum roll) ladies and gentlemen, let me present to you, the lovely, EVIE STERLING!!!!

And here she comes! Just look at her! My god! That dress REALLY brings out the colour in her eyes! And look at her strut those heels! Ladies, this is how style is done! WELCOME, WELCOME!!! MY, come sit down on this sofa with us, and let me say, what an ABSOLUTE pleasure to have you here and- I know I shouldn't- but I can't resist- just how old are you young lady?

Thank you, Simon, I'm glad to be here to. (Giggles nervously and flicks her black hair behind her shoulder). Oh wow! There is such a big audience tonight! Is it because of Robin here? Oh my, never knew he was this popular! And Simon, that's NAUGHTY of you to ask a women her age! But... I suppose, since everyone is so keen to know... (She smiles in a way supposed to seem nervous, but her keen confidence and comfort of the situation shows through). Well you see, I'm actually turning 25 this spring, so I suppose... When I met dear Robin, I was eleven and he was 13... Quite a scandal, I know!

Well well, quite the madam, I see! Now, let's see if we have ANOTHER question for Robin here

Pick me! (An enthusiastic audience member cries)"Are you gay, Robin? And are you dating the presenter?"

G-gay???(Robin splutters) I'm not sure where you got an idea like that, I must say... (A sudden look of dawning understanding at the whole question creeps up on his face, and he goes pale)

T-the p-presenter, you say?? Dear God... Simon, I'm terribly sorry if my actions have... Caused you or anyone else concern. I have to say, that isn't me in any way. Dear God... Is this live? I'm not into older men!

(The audience whispers nervously, unsure of where the live broadcast is going)

Dear God people, he's FORTY YEARS OLDER THAN ME!!