Death Note Ryuzaki back the f**k off ...sincerly Yuko

Chap 19 A day to forget

  "Why? Out of all the people why him? The one thing I hate the most...I love."

"..." Ryuzaki's shadow overlaps my body. It shrinks as the sound of each step gets further and further. Loneliness is really what me and Ryuzaki have ever experienced. Even though Ryuzaki has my heart beating away...it's not the same. It's impossible to change over night. Shifting from one person to another so easily...someone who bends that way is lier at heart.  Light...you stupid ass hole. If it was all truly a lie to begin with why didn't I see through it sooner?! Steps get heavier in my direction.  Whipping my eyes I sniff. Ryuzaki sits in his style facing me. Handing me a tissue he smilies with good intentions. Taking it I hide my face behind it. "...Sorry. " Im so mixed with emotions I keep changing faces around Ryuzaki so easily.  He probably thinks im half crazy.

"You have outbursts when you don't know how to handle the overwhelming emotions. It's fine. I never had friends so I should really be in your place." Ryuzaki explains.

"Um =_=. Your actually surprisingly strong for someone who has no one...or has had no one. "

"Has? "

"Well...I guess the two of us aren't completely alone. "

"Don't you 'hate' me? "

"No no I do."  I say raising a brow. "But I understand you. "

"I see."

Taking a breath it's as if im inhaling not only my sarrows but his loneliness too. Whipping my face with my arms I force the rest of my emotions down. Getting on my nees I let them hold the rest of my body up. This way im a little taller then Ryuzaki while he's in his ball position. "...Thank you." I tell him giving him a hug.

"...I could actually fall for you." He tells me in my ear.

"..." Hugging him tighter my soul becomes more wounded. Never would I have thought....I would hurt someone. "Im sorry...im so sorry." I tell him while muscling my face im his shoulder. It's to late to turn back now... Ryuzaki...one of us from the three of us will be unfixable when this will all be over.

     The person who falls first is always the one to get hurt.

   -The next day-

   Waking up I find myself in deep thought.  Staring at the ceiling I come to a sudden realization.  'My life sucks ass' "Ok that's it =_=." I tell myself jumping out of bed. Getting dressed I shout to Ryuzaki.  "HEY! WAKE UP!"

"Yea? " he asks from down stairs.

From the stairs I toss him a coat and shoes. "We're going out. No crime solving, no murder, no Light, Police work, or death god." I say the last part pointing to Ryuk flouting behind me.

"Well then you better leave me apple's >^>." He says some what angrily. 

"^^ Tehe."

A bit shoked Ryuzaki asks. "What's with the sudden change of character?  0-0 "

"There isn't a change of character ^^. I just want to hang out for once. I mean don't you? " I ask Ryuzaki tilting my head with a warm smile.

"...0-0 I guess.."

- Um...later ,':0 -

  Ryuzaki and I spent the whole day at a festival, we went on rides and saw a magic show. I haven't smiled in a long time....in so long. Till the sun set I forgot all my worries, all my hate, all me confusion,  everything.  Stars began to rise. Sitting at a bench we decided to take a break from our walk back to HQ. "Ulk. My feet are killing me haha." I laugh at my self.

"...Sorry im asking again but, what's with this all of a sudden? "

"...I needed a break I guess. I wanted a day to just be me. Myself ya know? I haven't felt like 'me' in a while...I miss having my old self. I use to laugh and be silly. Then...sigh. I wish I could go back sometimes. " I say leaning my head back.  Looking up at the stars I try to let go a little.

"...It's not to good to dwel on the past to much."

"If I could go back in time I would fix everything I've done, prevent myself from not seeing what I could have stopped. "

"What would you have stopped? "

"...ha I don't want to bore you with my list."

"I have time. ^^."

">_>...geez fine." There's sides of people that they put away so no one sees them. Then there's the sides that people so desperately want others to ask them about...just so someone would listen. ...All they have to do is ask the right questions. Ryuzaki always asks the right questions.  "When I was little my father beat me and my mother. Everything was cold then. I tryed to take my life at a point. My father beat my mother and she told me to call the police...I was an idiot...I was pathetic and weak...I was worthless and ...I froze...I didn't..I could have stopped him...I could have called the police...im a failer as a daughter. So if I could there's nothing more I would like to change then that one moment in my life. I wish I could forgive myself, I wish I could ...memories are a hell of a bitch Ryuzaki.  " I tell him leaning my back down.

"...How is he in jail then? "

"Ryuzaki, have you ever seen my mother? " I ask him. The air becomes thick and dry. Has he never known? "I want to die every time I think about it... After all this time...I still can't escape this feeling of regret. Of hatred deep in my core. Light helped me move on...then he betrayed me too. Im doing everything I gota do to let go but...I must admit I've done some stupid things. I wish I could rise above it but...im worthless."

"Is that really how you feel about yourself? " Ryuzaki asks.

"I do. So much. There's nothing I can do to ever forgive myself.  My mother...even though I don't or will ever know I know deep down she hates me. She would have been so much happier with a different daughter.  If I was never born...if I wasn't a failer. People have suffered so much more then me, I can't pitty myself. Who should pitty me? I wanted to be happy with her...to be a perfect daughter...but im not. Im worthless. I wanted to do so much more then just...Nevermind. " whipping my tears I stand up. "I want to stop talking about it. "

Grabbing my hand Ryuzaki pulls me down giving me a hug. My face sinks in his shoulder. This empty feeling is taking over more and more. I want to die at times...then at others I want to forget my past and enjoy life. Is it possible to forget such things? Is it...?