Thirty Days

Ƥяσℓσgυє;; Ɯнєη I ∂єcι∂є∂

"Iη мσѕт cαѕєѕ σƒ ѕυιcι∂є, α ρєяѕση ∂σєѕη'т ωαηт тσ ∂ιє. Ƭнєу נυѕт ωαηт тнє ραιη тσ ѕтσρ."

I'm walking through the hallway, alone, when I catch him out of the corner of my eye. I turn my head, my heart stops for a moment. I am ashamed to admit it, but I - just like every other girl in the school - had a major crush on him, the most popular guy in not only his grade, but our entire school. Blake Matthews, everyone.

He is standing in the hallway with all of his friends, smiling, laughing. He has no idea I am standing feet away from him, staring, my cheeks flushed. I start to run a hand through my hair before that tiny voice inside me tells me it's useless. A boy like him would never notice a girl like me.

Jane Fitzpatrick is the name. Here I am, sixteen, alone in the school hallway, staring at a boy I'd had a crush on since walked into his second grade class. I know everything about him, yet he knows nothing about me. All he knows is that I am the one that's the suicidal freak of the school - a name people actually call me to my face. Isn't this supposed to be the era of mental health?

I like to pretend, sometimes, that they don't notice the way I am. They haven't seen the scars and cuts littering my arms. They haven't called me all these names, that I actually have friends. I escape to this little place, my own little world, all the time. Until that little voice comes in and ruins it all.

I stare down at my shoes, and walk the extra steps to my locker, doing what I have to there before slowly walking down the hall, my books tucked under my arm. The ratty strawberry converse are torn, my toes - clad in neon yellow socks - are peeking out of the top. I debate throwing them away for something else, newer shoes, better ones. Expensive ones. Maybe then, just maybe, will I be boosted enough to be noticed by him. Noticed in any other way than the way I am now.

Tears spring to my eyes when that nagging voice tells me that I will never be good enough for anyone, let alone Blake. I am worthless. No one will ever want me. I'm too fat, and ugly.

I look down at myself, what I am wearing. A good fitting pair of sweats and an oversized sweater. It's right. I am fat. I am ugly. I please the voice by telling it it's right, that I'll stop eating. I don't only do it for the voice, though. I do it for me. I do it because being thin - that will make me happy. That will make me be noticed. People will finally like me.

I glance up as I walk past him. Every cell in my body wants him to turn towards me, look at me, and then he does. My heart goes flying. It pounds and nearly shoots out of my chest and into my throat. My cheeks are red, and my eyes are almost glazing.

It takes about two and a half seconds for me to fall after his girlfriend, Jessica Simons, intentionally shoves me to the ground. The pink heel of her shoe clicks on the ground centimeters away from my head. She turns back and smirks before walking back to where Blake waits for her.

I bite the inside of my lip to keep the tears from springing into my eyes, and of course this just brings back another bad memory. Second grade me, sitting in class, nervous as can be, chewing on the inside of my cheek to keep from having a panic attack. One person notices, and laughs, "Look! Jane's eating herself!" Everyone else laughs, and suddenly, I am overwhelmed and crying. I come back to reality, cursing myself for being so damn sensitive.

I stand up and rush to class. When I hit the second floor, I stop and lean against the wall, taking deep breaths. This always happens. Always over the stupidest things. It felt like I was suffocating in my own sorrow.

Students rush past me, none of them even glancing in my direction. Surprise, surprise, the suicidal freak is having another meltdown, right? I slide down to the floor, closing my eyes to prevent the tears from breaking free. Why can't I just be normal?!

Laughter makes my eyes snap open. There is Blake and Jessica, standing at the end of the hall way. The group has grown with the arrival of Jessica's friends, and there they are. Pointing and laughing at me. I desperately hope they are laughing at someone else, but, when I look around, no one else is in the hallway. I suck in a deep breath, trying to pull myself together before standing.

Don't think that. You're no where near pulling yourself together. Your a mental mess... aren't I evidence of that?

I walk away from them, my teeth biting a hole in my lip. I taste blood, but I don't care. Whatever I have to do to pretend I am okay. Whatever I have to do to make it look like I don't care.

Their giggles and snickers linger in the hallway, before getting a little louder. They are following me.

"Why don't you just kill yourself already?!" I hear him yell, before Jessica and their friends laugh. I feel my heart breaking, unbearable pain in my chest. I slowly turn around, hoping to catch the slightest bit of remorse in his eyes, but when I do, there is nothing there.

No one cares about me. No one in this entire school would care if I died. Least of all Blake.

I stare at them for a moment, before giving them a look of defiance, and saying, "I'm working on it."

They all laugh as I turn around and walk out of the school, pushing past all of them. There was no way I was staying there - where everyone hated me - when I could be at home, in my room, or at the lake, away from the demons for just a little while.

As I walked towards my house, I decided. I would make everyone happy. Finally, I would do something right for everyone. I'd give myself exactly thirty days to plan the perfect suicide, and execute it. After thirty days, I'll be dead, they will be happen, and my name will fade just like my memory. Goodbye, Jane Fitzpatrick.