Safe Place

15; Boiling Over

The next time he and Joel spent time together, they were standing on a bridge over a highway, watching the stream line on cars below. Joel pulled his skinny body up onto the concrete barrier, holding open his hands and laughing. Sonny stood nearby, his eyes wide in fear as he watched, jacket sleeves over his shaking hands.

"Get down, Joel," He said quietly, watching as Joel walked on the concrete barrier, "You're going to fall and get hurt." Sonny's heart was pounding as he watched Joel move beneath the glow of an orange streetlight, and he followed him closely behind on the sidewalk, arms against his chest. Joel only laughed.

"You worry too much, Skrilly," Joel said, holding open his arms for better balance. Sonny thought he looked like a tightrope walker, "I have the best balance of all mankind. A tornado couldn't knock me off here." But before Sonny could respond, Joel's arms were spinning in the air, "Whoa! Whoa!"

Sonny leaped to action, jumping towards Joel and grabbing his thin wrists in his hands, steadying the older man on the barrier. His eyes met Joel's for a split second. Sonny felt a warmness rush over him, but Joel looked away, hoping off the barrier and breaking away from Sonny, laughing loudly. "I was joking, dummy," Joel said, wiping his hands on his jeans as he leaned back against the barrier, "You don't seriously think that's how MY life would end, right?"

Sonny shook his head, "Sometimes, I don't know." He didn't want to think about that. Joel was like a time bomb, libel to go off at any given second. Explode. Die. Sonny couldn't lose Joel. He just couldn't. Not again. As far as Sonny knew, currently, Joel was clean from his meth binges. The sores on his face were healing. His eyes had lost the crazy, frantic look, returning to the somber, slightly stoned gaze. Sonny watched as Joel turned back towards the stream of cars below, looking down at them. His hand went to his pocket where he plucked a blunt and a black lighter. Sonny's nose crinkled as Joel lit up, the smell of marijuana filling the air.

"Don't worry," Joel muttered, staring down at the cars, "Because that's not how I will go. I can promise you on that." He sucked on the blunt, letting the smoke wrap around him and fade away. "Do you ever think about stuff like that?" He asked quietly, turning over his shoulder to look at the trembling Sonny who was still slightly shook up from watching Joel risk his life on the barrier.

"Yeah, I guess," Sonny said even though he didn't. He moved beside Joel against the barrier, mimicking the way Joel was leaning on it. He didn't ever think of dying, really. Not anymore. After his rape, nearly all of Sonny's thoughts had somehow been related to that one event, and no matter how much he wished to banish the memory, he could not. It was like an intruder, invading and poisoning his mind, killing it. Inside, Sonny began to feel he was already dead.

"I do too," Joel said in a voice quieter than he had been all day, "And it scares me."

Joel never talked about his feelings. He was awkward when it came to such things, frequently changing the subject or leaving the room. Sonny turned his head towards Joel curiously, watching the older man puff away in the moonlight. Sonny could not put into words how beautiful he was. On his own, Joel continued, taking a soft breath. "I just feel like I've wasted so much of my life doing stupid stuff," He stared down at the cars, "And I wonder if it's even worth it anymore to keep trying, or if I'd just be better off... Well... Offing myself." He twisted the blunt between his fingers. "Because God knows I wouldn't be missed," Joel muttered.

Sonny was shocked. "I'd miss you, Joel," He said softly because he was at a loss for words.

"You'd find somebody better than me. You know that," Joel responded, and Sonny knew that was true, but he could never admit it. "I don't have any friends besides you, Sonny, and I shouldn't even have you. No family. They all left me, besides a tiny check I get each month. That's not love," Joel's voice was more rigid now, shaking just the tiniest bit, "Even my fucking cat left me." Sonny didn't speak. He couldn't speak. Joel was right, and Sonny was not going to lie to him about anything.