The allure of a cardboard mask
There's something enticing about wearing that old cardboard mask
And painting the front of it to look like me, but gentler
Prettier
Compliant
He likes girls with a cardboard face, and I can paint beautifully
Because he doesn't like this kind of dimension in a girl
It's too real for him and he doesn't get it
Tempting it is to paint this mask to be yielding, primitive, attractive, and just a little less smart than he
And a lot less smart than I
He likes a girl that's less strong and capable and rough around the edges
He likes a smooth surface and a trivial mind
And his satisfaction will feel like an Olympic gold medal for a sport you never played
And it'll be so simple but so incredibly difficult
Because he's smarter than he wants you to be
And he'll notice when he wants to talk about the weather but you want to talk about the rain
When he wants small talk but you want to talk about the universe and love and everything in between
And he notices when you run in circles around him, when you're ahead of the game, when you shine too bright for him to look directly at, when you're a flower so exotic that he doesn't understand the beauty in it
And little by little the mask you worked so hard to paint will become transparent to him
He will be afraid and maybe even disgusted to look into the depth behind the mask, waters deeper than he can fathom when he's barely learnt to swim
He'll like you because you're there and you're trying, not because you're a brilliant painter
But you're not what he's looking for, and she is
She'll come sweeping and she'll latch on to him like a baby bird
Younger, simpler, easier to swallow
He won't have to run to keep up with her
She's slower, she's just his pace, and they will latch onto one another like Velcro
You'll stop and stare in awe as she effortlessly snatches him, the gold medal you worked so hard to get
They'll run by smugly, hand in hand
And it will feel like they've left you in the dust or stomped you into the dirt
But there's an unspoken truth in the rippling waters
He knows and she knows that you're radiant and glimmering and electric
And she'll do everything she can to dull your shine, because all she wants is to gleam brighter than you
He knows damn well that you're the sky itself but he'll do everything he can to convince you that you're nothing
And he'll do even more to convince himself too
That he's not making the biggest mistake of his life
That she's the alpha and you're the omega
That he'll be satisfied with an empty toy-box
Because who's a better scapegoat than life itself?
And you were certainly more vibrant than life itself
It shone, it shone, it illuminated that cardboard mask
It scared him away and scared her into a jealous tailspin
Beauty is pain
And they are skilled painters
They'll paint you to look ugly, unsatisfactory, unwanted, at fault, not enough
You were never not enough
You were too much
You were too much for him, too much for her, too brilliant, to bright, too special, too good
And they were never enough and they knew it
The world knew it
They aren't enough
So why haven't you felt whole since he left?
Why have you felt empty, like you gave him a piece of yourself, like you threw away your identity for him?
Why is it that you've never loved yourself like you loved him
And there's a bullet wound where his name was tattooed across your heart?
Why are you still in a puddle of rejection on the floor, a year later
Coagulated
Hardened to the world and to anyone who tries to take his place
How do you shake the feeling that you're the one who's lost everything
Even when some losses are wins
And how do you shake the feeling that you've lost more than him, but yourself as well?
I'm telling you this
I speak from the depths of experience and from the recesses of a broken heart
Only time will heal this collateral damage, and lots of soul searching
And you can prevent it from breaking you again, not by closing yourself off to love
But by never, ever giving in to the allure of a cardboard mask
