my diary

4-25-17

I'm really hurting today but no one really cares. I woke up this morning and planned on having a great day. I waited for my boyfriend to get up ( he slept until after 10) and called him. We called and talked maybe 20 minutes when he said he'd be right back; that he was going to get something to eat. I stayed on the phone for half an hour and when he finally came back he said he was going to make everyone else food too. It was a little before one when he came back and told me he was going to get on Xbox for "not long" and he wasn't even going to play just help  friend do something. Now here we are three hours later and I'm the bitch for being so upset that he's still on. I wish he'd understand how fucking worthless I feel when he continually chooses his video games over me and he claims to love me. He keeps telling me he doesn't put things in importance but he is! Now I'm sitting here crying and he just doesn't give a shit, if I'm supposedly his girl then shouldn't he care that I'm crying and hurt and I feel fucking worthless. One good day... it's all I wanted, but I can't have that. I feel like I'm worth less than dirt....

I told him I wanted to cut again and he made feel like it was stupid to want to cut so I told him thats not what i meant. I wish he'd understand that I have so much going on that the littlest thing makes me break again. I had an anxiety attack the other day, two actually. I'd never had one before and now I'm terrified i'll have another. My family is barely getting by. We're behind on rent. My $75 a week babysitting job is the only income in the house.  My mom is (and I apologize for having to say this) a slut. She doesn't let us have any contact with her side of the family. My "dad" is on my facebook but doesn't attempt to contact me. My grades are slipping. My "friends" never talk to me. I honestly feel like someone could put a bullet in my head and no one would give a damn. Hell I want to so bad but i'm too chicken to do any thing other than cut my thighs where no one sees. This diary is the only thing that makes me feel better. I've tried going to people and telling them but no one cares. I want to keep writing because it kinda makes the bad thoughts go away but I have nothing else to say