A Little Unsteady || Raura

40 | I'm Sorry

I_Wish_1_thing and LauriannCamir for your sweet sweet words last chapter. And of course, thank you Taylorjg15 and queenlauraaa for everything they've done for me :) thank you everyone for the support I can't even begin to tell you guys how much I appreciate it. I'm dropping the goals and am going back to Saturday updates, maybe occasionally Wednesday as well, but for now Saturday. I SERIOUSLY LOVE YOU ALL!!!
Enjoy💜

A Little Unsteady: 40 | I'm Sorry
| Laura Marano |

| The Next Day (July 13th, 2019) |

I watch as Ross gets himself comfortable sitting on the floor, his phone propped up on Rydel's tripod thing she uses for her camera. We sat up against his wall, myself on his left side, waiting for one of us to break the silence. I guess it was going to be me.

"Are you ready?" I ask, looking at his adorable face.

"No." He whispers, throwing his head back. "I can't do it." He closes his eyes and my heart clenches at the sight of him. Last night was... rough. He woke me up at four in the morning with a panic attack. He couldn't breath and was squeezing my arm so much that I screamed, which caused him to realize he needed to stop. He then cried again and wouldn't fall asleep unless I told him my favorite memory with my family. And now it's almost one in the afternoon and his eyes were puffy, his hair was messy, and his cheeks were pretty much stained bright pink for him sticky tears.

"Yes you can." I whisper, grabbing his arm. "I'm right here, okay?" He nods his head slowly. "Hey, I'm not leaving you, Ross." He takes a deep breath before leaning forward and pressing the Start Live Video button on Instagram Live. Ross' eyes lock on mine, almost as if he's asking for permission to talk. He hesitates to look away, but when he did... I couldn't help but smile the slightest.

"Can everyone hear me?" He asks, kind of quietly. He waited a few seconds until comments starting flooding the screen that all had something along the line self yes. "Okay, I guess I'll jump right in." He mumbles, only loud enough for me to hear. "I'm making this video to... to update you guys on my life." He says, sitting up a bit straighter. "These past sixish months... they've been rather rough." I squeeze his arm a little. "Um... stuff has changed." He looks down, his voice getting weaker. I knew his eyes were watering up. I unhook my arm from his and scoot myself closer, lightly rubbing his back over his crew neck with my hand. He glances at my face, the first tear rolling down his cheek. I was quick to wipe it away and gently kiss his cheek, right where I wiped the tear away. "I can't do this." He mumbles, putting his head in his hands.

"Yes you can." I whisper, resting my head on his shoulder. "After this, we can do whatever you want. I don't care if it's just to go drive around or just lay in bed, whatever you want I'll do." He lifts his head up to look at me again. "I'm right here." I whisper. He nods his head slowly and looks back at his phone. 19k people watching.

"Lately... I've been feeling like I'm not good enough." He starts. Closing my eyes, I rest my head on his shoulder, my hand still lightly rubbing his back and the other hand on his thigh with his own hand on top of it. "More like I believe I'm not good enough." He mumbles. "I think many of you can kinda assume what I mean by that, and you're probably all right to an extent." He says, not looking at the camera. "About two months ago... I tried to kill myself." He takes a deep breath. I couldn't help but feel my eyes water up. "Um... yeah." He drops his head in his hands. Sniffling, I hug his side and close my eyes, trying not to relive that day. "I'm cry-crying." He whispers.

"Ross, it's okay to cry." I whisper back, tears welling up in my eyes. "No one is expecting you to be strong." He lifts his head up a little before wiping his eyes on his sleeves. Slowly, he looks directly at the camera.

"Since then... she's be-been helping me." He looks at me with a soft smile and wipes his eyes again, and I know that he was trying to hold back his little sobs with all his might. "She's moved in, ta-talked me through some stuff, I'm slow-slowly getting okay again." I take my own sleeves and wipe under his eyes and across his cheeks, giving him a small smile. "How do I say th-that I hurt my-myself?" He asks me quietly so only I could hear.

"Just come out and say it." I whisper, messing with his baby hairs on the back of his head. He closes his eyes and leans his forehead against mine, his breath fanning across my lips. I knew he didn't expect a kiss or wanted a kiss, he needed time to process what he wanted to say. So, I said the only thing I could think of. "I love you." I whisper, some tears escaping my eyes. He pulls away and wipes his eyes again before looking at me and wiping under my eyes for me.

"Um... I ha-have uh, cut myself a few ti-times." He sniffles a little, just seconds after my own sniffle. Trying not to wince, I rest my head back on his shoulder, letting the tears fall from my eyes. "And I'll admit that it felt... good. Real-really good." I couldn't hold back my wince for that, and it was pretty loud. Ross bumps my head up off his shoulder and wraps his arm around my shoulders, bringing me into his side. "I'm sorry." He whispers, resting his head on mine. "I'm so-so sorry." Closing my eyes, I squeeze Ross as hard as I can and try to put myself together, not wanting this to be about me. "I'm slowly getting ba-back to my usual se-self." He continues, gently rubbing my upper arm. I couldn't open my eyes.

"I guess I'm... I'm ju-just asking for mor-more time. I want to be bett-better. I want to love my-myself completely be-before things get hectic again." I release my grip a little, just so he could actually breath easier, and open my eyes the slightest to stare at his lap. "I need your guys' su-support. I might not be v-very active on media and st-stuff, but just know it's because-because I'm working on love-loving myself and li-life in general... I'm sorry about la-last night." Fuck, now he's going to talk about last night? I just want to hug him and let him get out everything that he's holding back while the video is live.

"The th-thing I do in Smile usually come fr-from my heart and... bad things were in my heart and-and I just lost it. I'll ma-make it up to you all I prom-promise." He doesn't promise anything he knows he might not keep. "But... I'm gon-gonna go before a repeat-repeat of last night ha-happens." I watch as a few tear drops sink into Ross' pants and I couldn't tell if it were mine or Ross', meaning maybe he is close to breaking down completely or I am close to breaking down completely. Or both. Ross lunges both of us forward and after a few seconds, I hear a quiet sob escape his mouth. I immediately unwrap myself from him and look up at his face.

"You did it, Ross." I whisper, cupping his cheeks so I could swipe away his tears with my thumbs. "Come on, let's lay in bed for a little while, okay?" I whisper. He nods his head the slightest and we both stand up to get in his bed. I got us under the covers and let him nuzzle himself up against me; head in my neck, arm around my stomach, legs tangle in mine and all. I quickly snap a picture of him, his blotchy, shiny cheeks very noticeable, and open up Instagram.

lauramarano: I promise I'll be with you every step of the way until you learn that loving yourself is okay and is needed to be happy in life. I promise I'll help you as much as you need, no matter the cost, just so you can be able to love your life and enjoy it. I promise to never let you go, even when times get tuff. I love you so much and I hate seeing you like this. I love you with all my heart. You're my better half, babe. You make me insanely happy and I hope you realize that I need you here with me all the time. ❤️

"I love you." I whisper, messing with his hair.

• i feel like the chapter needed to end here and i think if i added more it'd turn to absolute crap. so... sorry about the super short chapter, but it's kinda needed in my opinion. don't forget to vote, comment something sweet, and follow me! love you, babes💜 

-rydelly_belly💜