A Memoir To My Almost Lover

I Guess This Is What Goodbye Means

I have been asking myself for the longest time now, how come it is easy for him to let me go and not think twice about it? How can he be so selfish that he allowed me to fall for him, with him, having those unsure feelings for me? How can someone become so cruel that they choose to broke another person just because of their own misery, of their own problems? Did I gave too much or did I do so little?

I guess this is what love means, to love a person despite everything they've been through, to accept and encourage them every single day of their life to become someone better, not to destroy them with false hopes and accusations—but to give them the positive outlook in life.

I guess this is what it means to love, it means we have engraved in our hearts the souls of those people which we have allowed to come into our lives. Even after all the pain and misunderstandings, the sorrows and grief, we have completely believed that they do not just came into our lives bringing nothing but fear—but came in here because we needed someone to show us the beauty of the world, the wonders it possessed and the love it can give.

I guess this is what it means to fall in love with someone, when you see them, you see nothing but beauty in them, all the flaws are covered with the love that is generating from yourself. You do not see how toxic someone can be, you are poisoned by the idea that he is the only one who can show you the fascinating subjects that this Earth owns.

I guess this is what it means to leave someone, it means you are not strong enough to handle her, or even the relationship that you, yourself, in the first place, created. You have reached your limit of loving and that I can tell, is never true love. You never had feelings for her that were real because if you did, how can you hurt her when all she ever did was to love you? When all she ever wanna do is to fix you? Why? Because she saw how badly damaged you were. Because she saw how much hurt and pain someone you used to love caused you. How can you hurt her when all she ever wanna do is to let you see the beauty that you have been missing because you have been chasing another girl who definitely was never fond of you? How can you tell her all the lies including "I LOVE YOU" and not mean it? How can you break someone who's only intention was to make you whole? More whole than you ever were. Isn't she enough? What are the wrong things she did for you to treat her like all she ever did to you was wrong, was never enough, was never good, and that she is only a toxic to your life? How can you throw away all the memories that you had with her, when she, herself, cannot forget a single detail whenever she spends time with you? How could you not read between all the lines that all she ever wanted was  you? I guess that is what it means when love is not included in a statement, she was a paragraph to you but you are her whole damn book, and you never thought to read her, when her, she made you immortal, created prose and poems just for you, she bled poetry and yet, all you ever did was ignore those and leave the shattered pieces, more broken than before.

I guess this is what it means to be left by someone, all those flashbacks came like a kaleidoscope of memories, a different scene whenever each tear fell. It is like being burned alive—being dropped on the twilight zone of an iced ocean. It is like being stabbed repeatedly, again and again. It is like being told that you will never be good enough for anyone to love, or for anyone to have. Being left makes her question all the things she ever did in the name of love, in honor of the love she thought was true. It makes her ask herself, what she did wrong? Or what she did to deserve something as cruel as being left hanging by a man she never thought could hurt her? She thinks she doesn't deserve all of these, she thinks she doesn't need another heartbreak, she doesn't need to be killed by a man who thought would never pull the trigger of the gun she handed him. She doesn't deserve people like you, a lot of people out there deserves her even more but she chose  you, out of everyone who wanted her, she chose  you to be with, she chose to stay by your side even after all the negative things she heard about you, she chose to fight for you whenever you are not around, she chose to fight in your name to those people who doesn't believe in you, she chose to have her heart broken, again and again for loving you, for loving the person she could see in you, for loving the soul that she thought was made just for her to meet. And you? You chose to leave her when times got rough, you chose to leave her when things came crashing down. You chose to ignore her, when she came in running after  you. You chose to walk away, rather than fix what you both have. You chose to break her when all she ever did was to give you the poetry she was working on. You chose to kill her when all she ever did was to keep you alive. You chose to see her cry when all she ever did was to make things that could make you happy. You chose all of those negative things rather than see the positive aura she brought to your life.

I guess this is what goodbye means, it means even if we may cross the same paths or come down in a crossroad, she will never be the same girl you once broke. You may have times wherein you can encounter each other, she will never give you the satisfaction of seeing her being broken again, it means she will notice you but she won't acknowledge your presence, because this is what you asked of her, to forget you, to forget all about the both of you, to hate you, to forget your existence. She will see you, but she will not bother to even say a single "hello" because you asked her to never remember you in any way. She did everything she could to forget you, she did all in her power to overcome the pain that you caused, and now that she has completely lost you and got you out of her system, she will do everything so you can never get under her skin ever again. She will choose to avoid you when she sees you on a street, on a bookstore, at McDonald's, at the cinema or even at a grocery, because in that way, she won't have to remember all the times that you have spent with her in all those moments that  you shared. She won't have to remember how you wanted to fill a cart with loads of stuffs and leave it in a corner, you told her, she always wanted to do that. She doesn't want to remember that you always wanted the way the streets get deserted in the late night, this was the best time to have the strolls for you, because it is peaceful and not a single car can get in your way—she wants to forget how you take her dancing on the streets, late at night, waltzing her while waiting for a vehicle that will take her home. She doesn't want to remember that you love to have David Levithan's Another Day novel, to know the point-of-view of the female lead, it was a good story for you and you even asked her to give him a PDF copy. She doesn't want to remember that when you both started to go out with each other, the first place you went to dine was McDonald's, where she played with the float, and you, telling her that she was childish and weird, but still, followed her and enjoy what you were doing as well. And mostly, she doesn't want to remember all the sweet memories you left her inside the cinema, all those different ideas that you both shared, the tight hugs and perfect fit hand holding that you both enjoyed while watching films that you both love, she doesn't want you to know that you can still control her emotions after all these years, because then, she would go crashing down once again, and hit rock bottom.