Nightmares

Prom.

The thing is, I was drowning again. It was a spiral downward and no one was trying to stop me.

Around September, 2013, I was a wreck. Over the summer I tried to mend. You take a piece, see if it fits, and if not, you take a different one and press it in, trying and trying until everything eventually comes together. It can take days, or years, or weeks, depending on how broken you let yourself get. That summer I was mending myself. I had someone I truly loved ripped from my grip and dangled over acid, aka when my ex best friend started dating Ollie.

I pressed myself together, having brilliant time with a kid, someone who shared the same interests as me and was honestly a blast to hang out with. I babysat his little sister. That summer I also saw my best friend. The one I have hardly seen. She moved when we were young and I hardly hear from her. She told me what my ex best friend did was mean and that if I wanted to she would kick her ass. I kindly declined.

School started up again, and this was also the year that Adam, the kid I babysat, came to the high school. He's an 8th grader and with me being much older, it was no where near okay for us to date. I never wanted to, let alone had the idea of it. The boys in his class taunted us, since he hung out with my possey, saying that we were boyfriend girlfriend, since I went to his house over the summer. It was my job, I babysat them. We tried to explain it to the young and stupid boys, but they never understood. My EBF (ex best friend) continued to date Ollie, with me continuously being upset about it. But when I mentioned it around my friends (which has always been very few that I trust with a lot of things) I could litterally see them sigh with annoyance.

If I ever mentioned that still liked Ollie, people would wonder why. I mean, it was nearly a year since we had broken up, shouldn't I be over him? Still I continued to like him. Since it was a new school year, my classes changed and my math class was with almost half the boys in my class. I was the only girl. At first I was worried..

These were the boys that disliked me when I was younger, these we also the boys I liked in middle school. To be honest, I was scared. I had really no friends in this class, and even though it was one hour every day, it still made me nervous. I was scared if I made one wrong move, they would laugh and make a fool out of me. I was wrong.

3 months. They say that's how long it takes someone to fall in love. In that three months, I think I might have. We had homecoming, and I wasn't even planning on going. It was another stupid dance. But I went. And now I have a picture of J and I. It was silly. I made a big deal about taking a picture with him but I did. And I can't tell you how happy I was.

I'm really jumping around here, sorry. But durring that first month of school, I was crashing. Falling down without a stopper, but J caught me. Does that make sense? How can someone who hardly cares, pull you up and out of an ocean? The thing is, I was drowning again. And without him knowing, he helped me breathe again. And, with that being said, made me finally get over Oliver. We were still best friends, I mean we are still.

Eventually, this boy, J, he told me to sit behind him in math. I went from being the awkward one sitting in the middle of the classroom, to friends with these guys. They all helped me, in their own ways. Most of all, they included me.

We have prom soon. And some of my class is workers for it. I'm not, but J is. Which means he's going to prom. I've never wanted to go to prom. I mean I have, but being fluffy and not nearly pretty enough for it, I stopped wanting to go. It didn't seem like something that I'd like. So then what made me want to go with J? I guess you're probably thinking, oh ask him! But I can't. Today was the day he asked Jackie to prom. And I'm scared. Because through the 6 months that I've been in class with this mysterious boy, he's never shown an interest in this girl, so why did he ask her? But the thing is, one of the other guys in my class asked a girl to prom. Then a few weeks later he asked her out. And I'm scared that J might ask Jackie out.

I don't want to start drowning again. I'm so fucking scared. I was hoping with all the laughs and with the help I've given him on his homework, he'd realize all the help he's given me. It's the least I could do.

When I heard that he asked her, I told myself not to get mad, I told myself that I hadn't even wanted to go to prom so it's okay. But there's always the possibility that they are going to go and end up kissing.

I lied. I'm not scared...

I'm terrified.