What Am I Thinking

☆One☆

I have to say i wasn't expecting for people to ever click on this book, to even suggest reading it but here you are.

I want to start off by saying thank you. I know it's not much to download an app and read a book but it's my book and I am very thankful. And for as young as I am I do not know big fancy words, I don't know how to compare things well or use metaphors and similes. I use simple words and meaningless sentences that no one cares about.

I trick people too, I say I am going to show you what I'm thinking about but instead I am giving you my life story and what and how I write.

I'm trying to show you this is my content, this is what you are going to get, I want to show you what I write before I show you who I am.

And if your still reading my excuse of a book well thank you. I know I am saying this more than I should but I mean it and I will keep saying it.

Anyways I know you are here for the juicy stuff but just wait. Please.

I am going to tell you some deep stuff, not as in what I think about, but what I have been through. I want to help you understand who I am before you start thinking things, the wrong things. So here is my story

Who I am.
This is who I am, I will never change, I will stay the same, the same weirdo insane person with so many insecurities and needs that I can't even help one problem I have because I'll always have more. Thank god I have an unlimited amount of characters unlike the description because I am going to pour my heart, well no my brain out into this book.

Let's start off by saying hello! My name is Star_light_jr. but most know me as Saturn. I like to keep my real name, age, any personal information or hints about my real personal self to myself and people I trust.

As a kid I was a golden child you can say, I never got in trouble, I always followed the rules, I was confident and proud of myself. But as time moved on I couldn't catch up, I was struggling in school and not only grade-wise but in my words and actions too.

I was making irrational decisions and not focusing on what really mattered. I tried to leave reality in anyway I could but that only made things worse. By the time I was in first grade things went downhill as they were already going.

Like I was climbing a mountain. I was fine at first but as I got farther up the mountain the rope I was grabbing hold of was slowly falling out of my grip. And I couldn't turn back now, I've already gotten so far. So I keep on going, going up this never ending mountain as avalanches occurred and the rope still loose in my grip falling quicker and quicker out of my hand until finally I lost all control. I tumbled down the steep, rocky, tall mountain and when I hit the bottom I couldn't and didn't want to move. I stay limp on the ground, no one was there to help me get back up. No one there to push me back on my feet.

Now this was around 6th grade, I was starting up in a new school, a middle school. And whenever I walked down those many halls I felt every eye on me, judging me and shaming me. Even if they weren't looking it's like a little voice in my head told me what they were thinking.

What a disgrace.

Why is she still here and alive?

Why don't you go back to where you belong.

You don't deserve to live.

And somehow I believed them. I told myself I had to be better and anything but myself because no one likes the real me. They don't care who I am and so I'll give them what they what to see, a screw up that where's a mask every day to hide all my insecurities and sadness. Oh sorry that was the real me, I'll give you what you want.

I am a happy straight A student that is great. I have a great house, a great life, my parents are great my brother is great, my pet is great, everything is great.

But it wasn't and no one knew that.

Not only did I become so self conscious of my ignorance and behavior but it was also seeping into my appearance. And I won't say that I am fat and ugly and honestly who cares if you are? You can have two right feet and no eyes and still be the happiest person there is to live. It's about how you picture yourself, you have to accept who you are to be even be happy at all. And I could not accept myself which was a big mistake because no one judged me or was purposely mean to mean. Except one person, that person was a cliche bully to me and that person was me.

I was the the bully and the victim. I beat up myself over every little thing.

I got a B+, I am going to fail school. I am 2 pounds over the average, I am overweight. I tripped over my own two feet, I am the most stupidest person there is.

I kept telling myself this hoping that I will improve if I notice that I was doing bad. But I didn't improve. And soon I wasn't saying the voices anymore, the voices were just there. Their words plastered on the walls of my brain. Like graffiti on a wall.

And still to this day I don't think highly of myself, I always joke about how much of a disappointment I am but I mean it. People take these in as jokes but what they don't know is that they are taking in truths.

Taking a tour around my brain.