Sa Derniere Chanson

"Sa Dernere Chanson"

I lie motionless, my blood running cold and sharp through my veins as if everything was going to stop in an instant. Confusion struck me and I felt lost, although I knew exactly where I was and nothing had changed. I felt completely frozen and the pain of needles and the lack of  air all hit me at once. This unpleasant discomfort may seem unbearable, but this is how I feel all the time.. Although I've never necessarily known what it's like to "feel"... 

Around me is only silence, or at least that’s what they used to call it. For me, "silence" is my daily life. Somewhere.. And maybe it was a dream.. But I recall a moment when a lady sung to me. A sweet lullaby, which drifts ever so slightly. I was young at this time and this memory is very faint, but I can still see the strange contortion of her face every time I feel alone. In one of the books I read, they refer to that as "smiling", which means someone is "happy". They also talk about this thing called a "mother". The way they describe it.. This thing seems nice, someone who can be relatable, but the thought of interaction, that’s unimaginable, even with my "memory". As intelligent as I believe myself to be, these strange words always seems to confuse me.. I  always find myself wondering about these creatures, "what happened to them and what did they do that was so bad?",  "what is this thing they call "love".. What is its purpose.. What is it like?", "Why do we need these "mothers"?". The thoughts all circle around my brain like a cyclone (page 1, line 13 of The Wonderful Wizard of Oz ) and it makes my brain hurt. Intensely and with a clean, quick motion I blink my eyes and forget everything on my mind. Suddenly, I am aware of reality again, its harsh, unsettling environment. I feel hot and crowded, but I've learned there's no way to escape it... this is my eternity. What is eternity though? I am not that old, and I have learned that through the pictures I see in some of my books, but I have no honest perception of time, and it feels like I've been here forever. And this "forever" isn't even the end.  

As I contemplate this existence, I begin to feel more tired and my mind begins to drift. Sleep is the one thing I do not wish to have more of. I begin to stretch my mind, and at once feel lighter and find myself in more open surroundings. "What is this new place?", I think to myself. I begin to wonder around and notice a familiar milieu that I've once seen in my books. It brings on a frightening aura of dread I cannot explain. The dark, gloomy sky above towers over me, bringing me to a realization and altering my interpretation of the world to show how much bigger it is and, magnifying how tiny I am in comparison. As I continue to wonder I pass these things which I believe to be called "graves". I've never quite understood what these stones are used for as all my books in which talk about them have these sections ripped out with the stains of tears and blood surrounding them. I've always just figured someone got a paper cut while reading and began crying about it. Finally I get to the back of the yard and see a fence. As I am about to turn around and walk the other way something catches my eye.. A name I have not heard in years.. It echoes throughout my head over and over.. It reads: Madiline Claire 

Suddenly it all comes back to me. My mom's pregnancy.. My death.. Her song