My Diary Entries

1

October

My love life is nonexistent, to say the least. Maybe it isn't nonexistent more so than dysfunctional. No one could say I hadn't tried. Oh, I had tried alright. Where had any of it gotten me? Nowhere. Disappointment and hurt followed me wherever I went. At the end of the day, I had no one to blame but myself.

My friends at least had the prospect of a potential love life. Me? I had the baggage of failed relationships dragging me down. Like a bath draining its water, it felt like my hope was dwindling by the minute. What could I do? The empty candy wrappers sprawled out on my bed certainly didn't help my situation. The cliche romantic comedies slowly lulling me to sleep only seemed to worsen my cocoon-like state.

The level of self-pity I was exhibiting was downright embarrassing. I barely even knew the guy, and I had managed to go into full shutdown mode over him. Then again, he was acting like a total ass towards me. I knew I shouldn't have taken it personally, but like most things, I did. It's just in my nature to act dramatically. To me, it was more than just a rude comment. It made me realize that there was no chance of us being in anything more than a platonic relationship. I knew, at that moment, I had to let it go.

I wish it was that easy, though. To just declare the infatuation you feel is over, and, poof, all your feelings are gone. It takes time, mostly, but ice-cream doesn't hurt, either. I had my friends to lean on. At times, this was little consolation. Even the most understanding of people reach their limit, eventually. I couldn't expect them to jump at the chance to hear about my less than ideal love life. Besides, I didn't want to be that person. You know the type: always talking about their problems and never inquiring about yours, and always sounding dramatic while doing so. It's annoying and repetitive, hearing the same bloated story and how it, "Ruined them."

Despite this, I did have my moments. My friends stood by me during these episodes, which I'm grateful for. Syrena, a close friend, was my primary source of comfort. In the beginning, I was hesitant to show my vulnerable side. I knew that the problems I had seemed trivial, and even laughable, in regard to her's. It's not like she would have been of much help, anyway. At that time, her emotions had taken control of her, and there was little room left for rationality. No one could blame her, she had just lost her mother, but I felt myself feeling lost without the Syrena that I used to know. I didn't dwell on these thoughts because I knew, at least for now, Syrena needed me more than I needed her.

Syrena is the good type. The type that everyone wants to replicate because of their apparent goodness. She is nurturing; kind-hearted, the person who you can feel safe around, without the fear of judgment. People often take advantage of Syrena, simply because they know they can get away with it. She lets them because as long as it isn't her friends, she can take it.

*

November

I wish that my personality had something redeeming to it, besides the occasional laugh. I'd like to think of myself as a good person, but I'd be lying if I said my actions didn't always have ill intentions. Empathy and compassion don't always come easily to me. Now, I'm not admitting to being a psychopath, because I am more than capable of feeling human emotions. When I do something bad, I feel guilty. When I see someone crying, I feel a pang of sadness. I just have a hard time expressing it.

My instincts tell me to hide. To get as far away from the situation as I can. I don't seek human interaction. I don't want to be touched. What I want is to feel safe. My body is telling me I'm in danger; that my safety has been threatened. In the rational part of my mind, I know it is merely an illusion, product of my ancestors. These signals once kept them safe, but now all they do is terrify me.

I wish I had the courage to see things through. To not have the roaring imbalance of what is reality and what is simply a fabrication of my mind. An extension of my own insecurity and fear pushes against my brain until finally, it breaks, and my hold on reality is lost.