Texas Terrors

im done

I bet you that no one will read this, and if anybody does, so be it.

I'm just done. I'm done with life.

Before you start getting concerned, I'm not suicidal. If anything, I'm scared of death. I'm scared of this one thing that will happen to every single one of us. But I think that there is a difference between suicidal and how I'm feeling.

I want a long happy life. If anything, I would want to live to see my great-grandchildren like my great grandmother.
It's just that the past things that has happened in my life has made me so over it. I just want to find that pause button on my life and either take some time to collect myself or just fast forward through it all.

The first thing is school. I'm growing up and becoming more mature. That saying, things are changing and are going to continue changing. School is goings to get harder and it's probably going to overwhelm me. Friendships are going to change. I could possibly stop being friends with the people I am now friends with. And that's okay. People grow apart and we're all becoming a little bit different everyday.

Another thing is boys. It's complicated. This is the truth. me to figure out who we are and society puts this pressure on us the be in a relationship whether your gay or straight. One thing is that it's ok to be single. You have you and only need you. You don't need some guy to make you happy. I know that sounds really sappy and stereotypical, but it's true. The thing is, if another guy does make you happy, you shouldn't be shy and you shouldnt hesitate to approach him. If it doesn't seem to be working out, so be it. If you really feel something, or want to try at it again, do it. It's your life and your relationship. You (and you significant other if you have one) should be the one who controls is, not some other person. This is something I've recently learned and knowing this, I think I'll make my life easier coming to the topic of guys.

Friends. Stay with the ones who stay with you, no matter what. This is also something I've kinda just learned. I recently been hanging out with a few friends and it's made me realize the importance of this. Don't try and be with fake friends, the people who are there, but may use you for granted or stab you in the back. Just hanging out with some friends has made me realize how much of good friends they really are and how much of a crap friend I am/can be. We're all not perfect. We're all going to make mistakes, make bad choices and do so stupid things. But as long as you have those friends who will laugh with you as they help you up off you feet, are the kind of friends you really need.

Family. Family is very important. Blood or not. I have about 3 family's. I have my blood related family, my theater family and my band family. I a total geek and I have my family's there behind me to always support me. There really is no place like home, no matter how cheesy Dorthy makes it sound. They handled my craziness when the rest of the world couldn't. They listened and comforted when nobody else was there. Family is truly a thing we all need. They give us a safe spot to hide from this terrible storm we call our world. Everything has made realize that.

Life. The cost of life is too much to even comprehend. Your life is worth so much. You mean value to everyone. Maybe even that one stranger. Your existence affects everyone. You were put on this earth for a reason, you can't be the one to take yourself out. You have so much to live for and even through the pain, you fight through it.

Right now in my personal life, everything isn't really going well. I don't have a trombone cause mine is broken. I have to borrow someone else's until I get a new one. My phone is broken and I will most likely have to get a new one. I have no money and I'm at the age where I can start actually working for money, but not REAL jobs. We are at the time of year where there are extensive standardised testing that I'm being stressed out. These may sound like very miniscule problems to you but to me, this is everything bad happening at once.  But in the end, I realize that it will all be solved one way or another. I'll get a new trombone and phone one day. Testing will be done and I'll eventually be out of school altogether.

In the end, my life is worth so much value. And know this, means the world to me

Btw thank you for reading to rant  ish type of thing (whoever is reading this)
I kinda poured my emotions out so...yeah.
Like I said, I'm not suicidal but I'm so over my problems right now.

Beekeepers💗