Does Love Sink or Swim? ( Ben Drowned X Suicidal Reader!)

V

     ( A/N Trigger Warning::: Contains self harm, verbal abuse, cyber bullying, and suicidal threats.)

           My stomach dropped and fell out of its rightful place. I bit the inside of the my cheek. My finger delicately brushed against the thin keys of my keyboard. I closed my eyes inhaling deeply only to release a laugh. "Well that got me on edge", I chuckled. That chuckle retorted into a hearty fit of giggles. It was most likely some troll online or something. I scoffed, cracking my knuckles. To hear their sighs of satisfaction. I pressed my fingers firmly onto my keyboard and went on Netflix. Supernatural will satisfy my weird needs.

            To me, a couple episodes in was a few seasons in. Feeling like I had watched enough, who am I kidding I never have enough of the little baby in a trench coat. I put my hands on my face and flexed out my facial muscles. I reached my hand out to close my laptop. Before the adolescent glow shut off completely. Soft dings echoed around my room.  I opened my laptop again to see that my inbox was blowing up. 

           I clicked the letter icon and started to read the first email. "Guess who found your email? Ugly BITCH." My hands froze. My heartbeat started to quicken out of fear. I glanced over other emails. Does it ever stop? I soar across the endless hate. The hatred to me. "Fat pig" "Ugly whore" "dumb c*nt" "go run and cry to your daddy, oh wait..." "no one loves you" "no one wants you here, you freak" 'why don't you go KILL YOURSELF." 

       The emails seem to never stop. What did I ever do wrong? Why am I even asking myself that? I am a screw up. Why am I still even here? I sighed, trying my hardest to choke back sobs. I bit my lip. A feeling swung over me. I felt nothing but yet I felt everything. I feel numb and empty but yet I feel pain and fear. Angst rushing towards my head, I closed my eyes. With that, I scooted back off my chair and stood up. I ran my fingers through my greasy (l/s) (h/c) hair. I gulped down my fear in an attempt to swallow it. 

      I need to shower. Yea, I need to clear my head. I shakily walked over to my drawer and pulled out some undergarments, a baggy black t-shirt, grey soffe shorts and a black hoodie. I exited my bedroom and walked down my hallways long dark corridor. I opened a closet door and pulled out a towel. With cold shaky hands, meeting the fuzzy fabric brought some warmth. Only for a second until it overcame to numbness.

     Now on my way to the chamber of self cleansing. I placed my clean clothes on the sink while I placed my towel on the fuzzy blue rug on the floor. I slowly started to strip myself of my icky clothing, which was trying to suck the life out of me. I ran my cold fingers across my arms, goosebumps etching along my skin. My head tilted downward, tears threaten to escape their threshold. 

    I reached out and pulled back the baby blue curtains. Leaning down I turned the water on warm, my hand met metal as I pulled a bar up causing a cascade of water to flow down from the shower tip. I slowly made my way into the shower. Allowing the water to burn off my feeling. To wash away my worries. Each painful drip caused an insult to pop into my head. I clenched my teeth and hissed. I grabbed the shampoo to busy myself from pain. Pouring the liquid on top of my head. I started to scrub the cherry blossom scent into my scalp. Washing off the dirt. I let the soap drip down my face. Some bypassing the crease of my eyelids, burning it slightly. 

    I cleaned myself as I regularly do. Grabbing a razor, I ran it straight up my leg. Watching the razor cut away hair follicles. Once I got up to doing my thigh. I started to press down harder. I nicked myself. Blood started to come up from that tiny cut. I watched it run down my leg. 

   I grabbed a hold of the razor and brought it to my wrist. "Why am I still alive?". Tears pooled my eyes. Slowly falling down my face. Escaping their prison. I pushed the razor down on my wrist. I applied pressure to it. People hate me. I'm just a big waste of space. I bit my tongue as I made a single swipe across my wrist. Blood started to rise from the thin line. I choked. I started making more lines. Pretty red started to scatter across my arm. Dripping down onto the floor, slowly making it's way to the drain. I did the same to my other wrist, only I pressed down harder. 

  Warm tears poured out of my eyes as I started to sob. I cried, and cried and cried. I put my back against the wall and slowly slide down. Bringing my knees up to my chest and my arms across my face. I cried. Tears flowed. My heart felt like it would burst out of my chest any second. My chest was tightening in pain. I let it out. I let it all out. 

   My sorrows, my worry, my trouble, my hurt, my pain. I let everything I kept in, out. I hiccuped. I'm overcome by so much pain, that my heart couldn't take, it just exploded. I can't stop. I can't... I'm finally letting all that grief I kept bottled up out. My throat is burning, abiding by new sensations of pain. Each and every level is more intense than the other. 

   I cried. I cried for the hate, myself. My loneliness, my oppression. I cried for my father. He started my pain. Once he tipped over it caused a ripple throughout my life. A domino affect. He had caused me the worst pain of all. I'm not crying over the pain he created. I'm crying over his absence. If only he was here. He would be the one to dry my eyes. The one to hold me tight. The one to stop me from what I'm doing to myself. To revive his daughter, who is slowly dying on the inside. To save his daughter from the cruel people out their stabbing her constantly with hate. But

                                                                             He's gone...   

   Everything is gone. He's gone, my souls gone, my will. Everything is gone. Everyone left me. I have no one. I have NOTHING. No love is left inside of me to cradle. There's nothing there to grasp. Just an empty void. I'm an empty void. I pulled my knees closer to my chest. Digging my nails into the flesh of my knees. Small crescent marks pierced my skin, drawing blood. 

  Whats the point anymore? I shivered. Sniffling my nose. This, this emptiness I feel, will never go away. Nothing could ever fill this blackness. I am gone. That was it. The emptiness inside of me signalizes that I'm gone. Far from saving. I died... Ice cold. Numb. I can't overcome this feeling.  This feeling is not just a feeling anymore. Not just a sensation. This "feeling" is me. My tears started to dry to my face. Why am I not dead yet? Whats stopping me?  

    I bit my lip and slowly dragged myself up. My depression is screaming for my to grab the blade and make one final blow. End it all.... No.

                                                           I don't want to be like my dad.