The Price of Love - NIAM [IN EDITING]

24 March, 2012

Dear Mom,             24 March, 2012

The next day I stayed at home. And the day after that, too.

It wasn’t until today, Friday, that I forced myself to get out of bed. I didn’t want to go to school, but I never really did anyways.

I am still practically burning with shame over the other day. I had been so stupid. Who cuts themselves at school?

Me, apparently.

And so I prepared to go back, knowing that Liam has probably spread the story by now and that I will be the butt of all the cruel jokes again.

I got ready unenthusiastically, not caring what I looked like. The only thing I did purposefully was place the ring of flowers Harry had given me on my head. I still wear them every day, much to the amusement of those that hate me. It is a daily reminder of my best friend, proof that he had actually existed.

And then I trudged to the bus-stop.  It is a dreary kind of day, and more than anything else I want to be tucked back up in bed, avoiding the world, but I have already come this far so there was no turning back.

When I got on the bus, my usual seat at the front wasn’t as empty as I’d become accustomed to since Harry had died. Liam Payne was sitting in my spot, staring out of the window and shifting slightly uncomfortably. I tried to walk past him but he caught sight of me and grabbed my sleeve.

I was sure he was going to turn me into some big spectacle in the middle of the bus aisle so that everyone could get an early morning laugh in at the pathetic boy who cut himself in school, and so I wrenched my sleeve free and found a seat a few back from my normal spot. I pulled out my iPod and plugged my headphones in so that I wouldn’t have to listen to whatever Liam was sure to be saying about me.

Apparently I wasn’t going to be able to escape that easily though, because someone immediately sat down next to me and without even looking I knew it was him.

For half the trip I ignored him, but eventually it was too much.

“What do you want?” I snapped angrily, finally pulling out my headphones.

“To know that you’re okay. You had me really worried, I had no clue what had happened to you.”

“Why are you even pretending to care?

“I’m not pretending. You just disappeared, stopped showing up to school and after what happened I was just…” he trailed off.

I rolled my eyes, “Look , whatever you’re playing at, I’m not having it. So just leave me alone.”

The bus came to a stop and I stood up, but Liam didn't listen to my demand. 

He did the exact opposite, following me into the school and then tailing me to my first class. Between classes he was waiting outside the door of my previous lesson, waiting to walk me to the next.

At lunch he sat with me, in the chair that I still mentally reserved for Harry. I didn’t say a word to him, instead glared and hoped he’d get the message to go away.

He didn’t.

When I arrived to English he was already there, sitting in our assigned seats. I reluctantly sat down next to him and tried to ignore his gaze. The entire lesson he didn’t even try to hide the fact that he was staring; I don’t think he even did any work at all. At one point he passed me note;

I really am worried about you. Are you okay?

I tossed it in the trash without a reply.

The final straw came at the very end of the day. I was thoroughly creeped out by all this constant attention, and I was just waiting for the ball to drop and for the prank to be revealed. I was itching to leave so that I would at least have a moment to breathe without him hovering in the background.

I started back at the animal shelter today, having not stopped in the past few weeks. Today isn't one of his community service days, so I thought I'd be alone there.

I had made it to the front gate without seeing him once, so I thought I was in the clear, but no such luck.

He was leaning against the fence, and started towards me the moment he caught my eye. I walked on forward, hoping that he’d just pass. Instead, he fell into pace beside me, hands buried in his pockets. I increased my speed but he kept up with me easily. Once we were clear of the school I stopped short.

“Okay, why the hell are you following me?”

He just shrugged. “I’m just going to the animal shelter, it’s not my fault if you’re going there too.”

“You don’t volunteer on the first Friday of every month.”

“Not normally, no, but the lady mentioned you were starting again today, so I thought I’d sign up for a few extra shifts.”

I rolled me eyes at him. “Why? Why would you sign up on the day I came back? Why have you been stalking me all day?”

He seemed genuinely surprised by the question. “I’ve told you already. I’m worried about you.”

“And you’re what? Trying to protect me?”

“Well yeah, basically. I don’t want you to.. get hurt.. again”

I snorted. “Bullshit. Why on earth would you care?”

“Is that even a question? Do you not know how scary what you did the other day was? I’ve been going out of my mind obsessing over whether or not you’re alright, and then you show up today and there’s still this massive cloud around you, which I totally get, like, you’re obviously upset. I would be too if my boyfriend died but I didn’t know if you’d try any—"

I cut him off mid-ramble with an outstretched hand. "So, firstly, Harry wasn’t my boyfriend.”

His entire demeanour changed at this. His expression was confused, but there was something else there with it too. “Really?”

“Really. But you’re right that I’m still not over him being dead. That’s not something that you just get over. So excuse me for being sad, okay? Everything sucks but I don’t need you pretending to give a shit. I’m just generally not in the mood for trying to keep up with your mind-games, so please just listen to me when I tell you to piss the fuck off.”

I walked away as fast as I could but he ran after me.

Liam suddenly asked me, “Why are you so convinced that these are mind games?”

And I wanted to turn around and punch him.

          Love, 

               Niall Horan

P.S. I didn't hurt him.