My Constant Migraine ⇒ Personal & Tags

▼ I never wanted this. ▲

I never wanted to feel this way.
I never wanted to choose.
I never wanted us to end.
I know you'll never read this, but if you get the notification I apologize.
I never wanted this.

I just wanted you to know, that even though it's almost been a month, I still think of you everyday.

When you said those words, "choose between him and me." I broke. I could not understand how you could let me choose between two people who mean so much to me.

I didn't break up with you because I didn't love you. It was because I loved you differently than you loved me. I could see it in your eyes. The pure joy I had yearned to find for so long. What you couldn't see is how it was killing me.

I didn't date you because I felt bad. I thought you were what I needed. I thought we could finally fix each other, and that I would see what I couldn't for so long.

But I was very wrong.

I couldn't bring myself to do it. I could see how deeply you wanted to hold me hand, kiss my lips, cheeks, hug me in the middle of the hall. But your touch burned. It stung. And it was because we were closer than any boyfriend or girlfriend could be.

You reminded me of him, the one that took everything from me. You were just like him, you couldn't see it, but you were. It terrified me. I knew I had to run before it was too late. Before everything came crashing down on top of me.

I did not start seeing someone new to make you jealous. I didn't see him to make you upset. I saw him, because for once in my life, I forgot how terrible everything was. He was there when you were not. He held me when you were out of reach. I didn't do it to hurt you, I did it to heal myself.

Call me selfish if you want, but I did everything for you. I threw away every ounce of happiness I had just to make sure you lived another day. And yes, you helped me, but no amount of me could help you anymore.

Was it that you couldn't stand to see me happy? Was it the fact that I actually smiled in public again that made you so furious? All I wanted was to be happy. All I wanted was the spend my last five months here filled with love and joy. I wanted you to be apart of that, but you decided otherwise.

No matter how much I begged, nothing could satisfy you. I tried everything, but you were so blinded by rage you could not see how much it was killing me.

You used your own life against me. "Choose me or I'll kill myself."

That threat. I could do nothing about.

Of course he told me to choose you. He didn't want the guilt of me choosing him and you dying. And of course I was tempted, but I couldn't choose.

I see you everyday in the hall, and I lose my breath. It still hurts.

Everyday he asks what's wrong, and I say your name. I know he's fed up with it by now, unable to understand the pain I feel after losing my best friend. You were everything to me, and you threw me away because of some boy.

I hope someday you will realize, that this was a mistake, and I can talk to you again. I miss everything about you. Your laugh, your jokes, your smile. Everything.

When I leave. I hope you say goodbye. Even if it selfish to ask, I can't help but wish for one last word from you.

I will always love you.

Goodbye.