Stepping inside my mind

Under the Umbrella

~Trigger Warning~ 

Drip, drip, drip. Water slowly ran down the wall into a puddle at the base. The mouse in the corner squeaked and the scarred girl turned over in the bed trying to sleep. She ran her hand over her thigh, tracing the red lines while loathing the silence that the rain brought to the house. Every time she closed her eyes the demons would return to haunt her, filling her thoughts with endless terrors. 

"You will never be smart enough no matter how hard you try," one cried out while clawing at her brain.

Another was chipping away at her lonely heart and claimed, "No one will ever truly love you."

"You aren't skinny enough!" Cried the little demon in her stomach.

"Your face is the most horrifying thing in the world," the little demon grasped at the bags hanging under her eyes. 

Her eyes shot open and she lay there silent, tears streaming down her face because she felt deep in her heart that they were right. She truly would never be good enough for this world. She would lay like this for hours on end. Never moving, just listening. She had lost hours of sleep to them, the little demons inside her. You might ask why doesn't she fight them, she did try once. They only came back stronger. 

Beep, beep, she rolled over and glanced at the clock reminding her of the time. 

"It's one o'clock in the morning, stay awake with me for longer," it cries out breaking the silence of the rain. 

Each night would go like this, an endless cycle she couldn't break. Hours of precious sleep lost to these minuscule thoughts. Why was it that they affected her so much when everyone around her told her the complete opposite of it. 

Tracing the red lines on her thigh she sat up in the bed and threw off the mask. Her face was sulking and her body the shape of a skeleton. The only color she had were the little red lines outlining her thigh, chest, and stomach.  She knew not to let the lines slither over her arm or others would question her and that meant she would have to socialize. Her tongue tied itself into a knot just thinking about that. 

She knew that she would have to get up eventually but her legs didn't move, they didn't want to so she didn't force them. 

She knew that she would start falling behind in her work if she didn't move her arms. The thing was that her arms didn't want to move so she let them hang there. 

She knew she had to think but her mind was still flooded from the demons and it didn't look like those were going to drain it anytime soon. So she left her brain submerged. 

She knew she had to eat to survive but her stomach was closed like the post office on Sunday so she didn't even try to unlock it. 

Why was she like this, so unmotivated, so depressed? No one knows, not even her. One day the demons just moved in and claimed sovereignty on her brain and since then spread throughout her whole body. They seemed so nice and friendly at first but as time went on they started to fill her brain with negativity and she's never had the confidence to tell them to leave. 

From the outside, she looks normal, like your everyday human. She's happy and tells jokes to her "friends" but you should never judge a book by its cover. her eyes are screaming for help from behind the bars. Her jokes cover up the fact that she wants to actually jump off a cliff.  

She jokes about, slitting her wrist, jumping off a cliff, drinking bleach, or hanging herself and everyone laughs. They think she's just being funny because of the test or project that they have that day but won't they be surprised when one day she doesn't show up to school. Or the next day or the day after that, or the following month after. No one would've guessed that she would've done that, only she knew. It wasn't their fault, it was the demons in her mind, they were so loud and demanding that one day she just wanted silence. So she finally took some actions.

No one would've guessed it would be her of all people in the friend group. She looked so happy, she always helped others with their problems, she never complained about anything, she always helped others with their work, although.

 No one ever saw her do her work over others, talk about her problems, show her real feelings, she never talked about her home life, she never mentioned how much sleep she got that night, she never seemed sad. 

She didn't need to bring a dark cloud with her to be depressed, all she had to do was listen to those voices in her head convincing her that she was a waste of space. No real person told her that, she never experienced bullying, she didn't drink or do drugs, she just felt that way and there wasn't anything that anybody could really do. She listened to people tell her that she was pretty, smart, and so many other amazing things but only she could be the final judge for that. 

Now she lies on a cold bed made of wood, her world is finally silent and peaceful, the demons drained into the floorboard and for once, just once she doesn't have to wear a mask of happiness. Now she's finally happy. 

~A/N: This is in no way telling anybody to go kill themselves. That is the last thing that I want any of you to do actually. I just started typing and it kinda just formed words on the page with little to no thinking. It's about depression and being suicidal if you couldn't tell, there was also, of course, a little bit of social anxiety in there. I promise you this isn't in any way, shape, or form me saying goodbye to you guys because don't worry I'll be sticking around for a while. I guess it was really just a reflection of stuff things that I felt in the past and some of the stuff I've felt recently. Depression isn't just about being sad, it can also be a lack of focus, motivation, appetite, and sleep. Not everyone offs themselves because of bullying or drinking or drugs, sometimes it's the small little demons in their mind telling them to. And the thing that sucks about that is that there really isn't anything that anyone can do. They can tell you that they are always there for you and that they love you but in the end, it is really an internal war. At least that's how it was for me, I'm not saying that this is the same for anyone and I apologize deeply if this offended anyone in some way. I guess it was a way for me to let out my emotions and put them down onto paper. I do hope you enjoyed the short story at least and please if you are struggling with depression, being suicidal, self-harm, or any other mental illness, tell someone they can try to help you get through this fight. Trust me, you can do this! I have been able to get through it so far with the help of a few really close friends and without them I definitely wouldn't be here today. Welp that's my little talk about depression and self-harm and stuff. I hope you all have a great day and stay tuned for more short stories.~