On January 28, 2017 was the worst day I've had in awhile. Me and N had gotten into it over I don't even remember what and we ended up breaking up. I sat there at 3 am just wondering what I did so wrong. Honestly I hate myself for messing things up so bad. For about a week I didn't go to school nor leave my house. I would rarely get out of bed and it was a rotation of crying, panic attacks, and depression. Then a day before my birthday he had come over to A's house while I was there with a couple of friends for my birthday. He came over without me knowing and he was in a bad mood I could tell. So of course I pulled him away and asked him what was wrong. He said seeing me killed him because it hurt. I had the same feeling but mine was real... At that point my scars on my wrist were visible because of my short sleeve t-shirt which was his and my ring from him that I was wearing that day. He asked me why. Why I would put myself through that, and all I said was "You". I saw his face drop and him just slowly sit down on the grass next to me... I was on the verge of tears like every time I saw him. He sat there and hugged me and then kissed me and said that he still "loved me". I don't think he meant it though because on my 14th birthday he got with one of my close friends. If you see this S I don't hate you nor dislike you and you can message me whenever. My birthday was a Monday so of course I had school. I had to leave 2 classes because I just ended up breaking down and if I could stay content I didn't talk to anyone. A lot of people worried because it's not normal of me not to talk to anyone. I went home, and just went to bed. I was supposed to go out to dinner with my family but I just couldn't.
A question I'm constantly asked is why do you still care and are there for him when you can tell he no longer cares...
I stay because I promised not to leave. I promised that through everything I'd be the one to be there for him and I'm not breaking that promise. If you seen him the way I did you would see that hes been hurt so much to the point of he doesn't realize how bad he's hurting someone. He had no one there for him at one point and maybe since he didn't he bottled it up. He has such great potential that some of the people don't see but I do. I may not be his first choice but at the end of the day if he has no one else to talk to I'm only one text or call away. Do you still love him, even after all he put you through?
My feelings are mixed about him. Yes I'm always going to care but it's no longer my place to say love nor should I say it because love is a strong word.
