Thinking Freedom

-Crazy people-

I feel like my life is ending I'm not okay, I'm not feeling good. I feel ruined, I feel so damn stupid with all of this happening. I feel weak, I feel tired, I feel depressed, I feel ashamed of myself. I don't feel good with myself, I feel ruined. I'm sitting on the floor doing nothing, just staring at this wall that is in front of me, and breathing the air that smells like hospitals. I think I'm hypnotized. It always happens when I drink these pills that some nurse gives me.

I've been crying nonstop today, I have been crying for hours and I don't know if I'll be able to stop crying. I'll dehydrate if I keep crying. I'll cry my self to sleep if I have to.

I haven't breathed fresh air since yesterday. Yesterday was one of the days that I could finely be at home with my brother. I couldn't go outside, I had to stay inside my apartment. I stayed with Charlie all day and we were just talking. I love talking with him, I can spend hours and hours just talking and laughing with him. He's the only friend I have.

He's a very rare brother though, he is not like the others. Charlie is very good to me. He doesn't treat me bad, or screams at me, or call bad names to me. He's okay, he's fine!

I don't remember the day that he was mean to me; that's because he's never been mean to me. Instead of hitting me or yelling at me, he hugs me! I don't know why, he's a lovable lad. He's very emotional too, you know! It's weird, but in a good way. When he gets mad at me he hugs me, when I do something wrong he hugs me, when I call him stupid witch I always call him that he hugs me. And when I through at him a plate or a book, or anything that is in my way when I get mad at him, he hugs me. He. Hugs. Me. I gets annoying sometimes. I don't know how can Charlie live with my short temper. But when Charlie hugs me I feel safe, I feel like he's protecting me. When he hugs me he always say "I love you" to me. He never misses.

I'm the only thing that he's got left. I don't know what he'll do if I die or leave him, or I just disappear. I never want him to be alone, and I never want him to leave me alone. We can't be apart, we're inseparable, we can't be away from each other. We are a family. We are very broken but, we are still a family, even if we don't have parents. I need Charlie more than he needs me. I don't know how to live without Charlie.

I don't know how to live. I don't now how to live by myself, I'm still a kid. I'm only seventeen years old. I'm just a person trying to survive in this world of hatred and death and loss. I'm not safe if I'm alone, I need a protector, a life saver. That's why I got Charlie, that's why I need him. The sad truth is that he can't be with me forever. I can't always depend on him, I need to start being independent.

I gotta live.

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"Why the hell did you do that?" Charlie asked, AGAIN.

"I don't know." I answered him feeling weak already.

"Don't do it again...- stop doing that." he said crying, begging me to stop hurting. Charlie hugged me, like he always does. He carried me taking me to my room and put me down on my bed. I was getting sleepy, my eyes were shutting. "Don't close your eyes, Angela."

"Charlie, I'm okay." I almost couldn't talk.

"No, you're not. You're bleeding. How can you be so damn okay with this? You can die." He said almost yelling.

"I'm use to it... you know is not the first time."

He sighed and looked at me worried.  "You're insane." I stayed quiet. His words didn't hurt me because it is true. I don't know if I really am insane, I know that I'm not well. I know that my head is not in good conditions. I'm not crazy, but, sometimes I feel like I am. I'm afraid to turn out like my mom and dad, more specially like my mom. Dad was mad but not like mom. She was normal in the outside but inside, her head wasn't. I'm afraid to turn into a crazy person; that's what my dad used to call all the schizophrenics that he had to be around with for many years.