Depressed

Depression Notes

I'm done.. I hate life.. all I just i don't know anymore.. I like Caid. Now he's depressed and I wanna help him but just I think he pushes me away. I have my hand on his arm. I say it'll be ok I know how it feels. He replies.. "you should probably re paint your nails". I don't know and I don't care. I have a whole bunch of depression notes but now I just didn't feel like writing.. I wanted to type.. I felt really sad this morning and got no sleep. Fuck my life. I just wanna grow up and I wanna live with Ethan. The only one feels as if cares about me, like we planned to in the future. I wanna jut be happy.. I hate school I just I don't know I can't wait till summmer. No more school. Then.... jr high.. I'm not ready for that either. Depression is the worst of the worst. Suicidal thoughts too. Yesterday sucked.. after all the crying and the soon Comfort of my friends.. I went back into the class room.. and hugged my best friend and then someone had to bring up a kid that killed himself.. and of course got me triggered and I wanted to die at the moment. Once again. Then again ran out of the classroom and started crying. The other things in my life suck. One I don't get to see Ethan (Bridget) enough. Best friend for life.. I love her so much.. two. My other best friend Sammie and Cece are both depressed too. No ones happy in the stupid fucked up world. And on top of all of that I'm depressed too and have suicidal thoughts. My parents both deny that I'm depressed and not happy but whatever now I just keep it from them. And I never wanted to talk to my dad about it but my mom told him anyway. she told him I am bisexual so I like both genders. He was furious and he's not ever religious. He said it wasn't right. God made you this way for a reason. He fucking called me a tramp and then just ugh. I only feel happy and safe and feel like I can be myself around my aunt Jenny. No one understands besides her.. I obviously hate myself and wanna run away or kill myself but.. I won't. I'm fine. Nothing will happen besides scares will be created. || 3:42 || I wish everyone's depression could just go away.. there's no point of it I mean like what the actual fuck why do feelings do that to yourself..?...  I wish I could tell someone everything.. but I wont tell anyone... anything...
Here's my other depression notes I guess.
    I just don't understand. I tried helping myself but I can't.. I try but I just end up helping everyone else which is fine just I want to be happy too.. we've risked each other's lives so many times. We've always been there for each other. I told you I loved you even though I shouldn't have. I shouldn't even have those feelings for you because you've been my best friend since I could remember.... sammie I'm really sorry I got depressed again and cut myself.. but i promise it wasn't your fault. I lied about throwing away the razors..

Bridgey is depressed again and just I really wanna be there for her but she won't let me in all the time... makes me feel like. . . . A shitty friend.. I still try and end up helping I think... I hope... I've said "kill myself" too many times... I hate my life and myself .. why am I who I am...? I absolutely hate it. You probably think it's stupid and it's just for attention but.. it's not.. I'm actually in pain and hurting.. I cut but and I act like everything is fine.. but I'm not different than everyone else who is depressed. We all cut. We all hide behind our fear. We all act like everything is fine even though it's not.  I'm sick of depression and life.. I wrote down some quotes from songs in my favorite bands.. there all depression and suicidal.. I'm hanging out with Ethan today.. pretty excited about that.. haven't seen her in a while and I miss her... I can't handle going to my grandpas house in Payson.. I miss him to much and now my dad is thinking about moving there.. it's good but bad i don't know.. better than living at my grandmas.. I'm scared to tell Bridgey about everything but idk she'll be there for me.. it'll be okay.
I'm sorry I hurt myself.. it just takes the pain away.. I can't sleep at night and I won't eat.. people ask why. It like every day I don't answer.. I want to run away and I know exactly where to go.. Sammie's house.. she lives about a mile away and her aunt n siblings are my my second family....... There's no point in living. (Sammie just came over hugged me and asked if I was okay... ) I almost just cried. I feel like I should just kill myself. I hate talking about it and I should probably pay attention in math. I feel like I'm not there for my friends as much as I should be..
Another Note..
I lied. I still like him but now he's dating her. It fucking ruins me know they love each other.. I wish I would have said something but there would be no point cuz no one would like me like that. I hate keeping in my feelings but I mean... whatever I guess... Cece cut herself again and doesn't want me to tell sammie but I hate keeping things from her and I don't wanna lose Cece's trust so I just never said anything... I fucking hate getting bullied for being bisexual and for not being normal and liking screamo music and being different and not wanting to be a gender. I just wanna be happy ok. I just wanna be who I wanna be. I saw my scared and suicide note.. it didn't help anything...
••• Bridget I'm sorry.. you were the one who knew me best.. I don't have the notes right now.. I'm just thinking and typing... the notes are at home.. I wish I didn't have to hide my feelings all the time. Bridget and Sammie are the only ones I trust... I read a page of Bridget's diary thinking it'd be funny... I found quotes.. I flipped to the next page.. and saw a suicidal note. I was about to cry so fucking hard but I didn't want her mom or siblings to see. Fml. Sorry bridget.. I wish I was there for you. I shouldn't have even touched it.. I saw it and I didn't read it all.. I stopped reading it after I saw "Tatum, your the one who knows me best and I love you"••• no one cares. No one ever does so.. I may keep writing and editing this but for now.. see you later I guess..