Thursday,
my least favorite day of the week.
im writing this to express myself through words, the only expression that doesn't get judged by society.
i was already aggravated by the world, by reality, wishing i could just fly away to a deserted island away from rules, being told we can't do certain things. at this time i had finished online schooling, the thing i hate the most. not being able to have real communication with other human beings. i sat there lost in my thoughts. i had already just gone into another argument with my parents. imagine being always put second between me and work? feeling like every time i try talking to them i get shut out like a forever talking parrot. screaming for them to help me, to notice me. yet unsuccessful.
am i selfish to sit there thinking of the million quickest ways to exit this world and leave everyone behind? but how is the question. i always look at the bottle of pills but overdosing you have to be careful the not right amount can make you brain dead, living, breathing feeling even more trapped? slitting your wrists? having algophobia isn't always the greatest... having to numb your arm under icy cold water just to the slightest slit and feeling as if a indescribable feeling has been lifted off you.
4 months. in those four months, i discovered the truth, about me, about reality, how I don't want to live in a world surrounded by hate, by negativity. feeling like everything i learn in school is useless. no algebra equation is going to teach me out to pay taxes, or the cruelty of the real world once we step out. having to leave high school and that feeling like your intestines are filled with anxiety. petrified because i had yet to discover something i wanted to do with my life. sure i had hobbies.. nothing that can make me money to survive. being 35 and still living with your parents?
i have no doubt that i always look at the bad side of everything, it's just who i am. I'm not filled with hopes and positivity.. since they've been crushed.
for me, depression feels like this. I'm in a pitch black room. no light. no windows. all i see with the naked eye is my skin. suddenly a light so bright it feels as if your reaching up to the heavens above. until your faced with your demon.. who drags you into a pit of emtiness, lost, scared, anxiety. waiting to finally be found again, waiting for someone to kill that demon, but who?
today, 16:16 i was in the bath, the luke-warm water surrounding my unclothed body. the song letting goes by greafer had just come on. as the music had filled my ears i sunk down into the bath, letting the music vibrate throughout the bath as i feel pressure against my lungs as i go under. 20 seconds must of pass as I come up again. my thoughts ache with frustration has my body regains another breath.
drowning. the only word to describe depression. feeling that loss of nothing. always feeling empty even if you ate 3 burgers. feeling like your in a non-stopping horror movie waiting for the end to come. sadly that end has two options. survival of the demon or death.
this was the beginning of a long journey
ravana is my demon. hopefully, someone can pull her away before it's too late.
