Reviews (Creepypasta)

The Monsters in Her Home

Story: The Monsters In Her Home

By: Bleached-Angel

Story Rating: 5

Grammar Rating: B

Originality: 2.5

Well, to start off, there's no introduction. I don't know these characters, I don't know the setting, I don't know the story you're trying to set for the reader. We're just suddenly thrust into this story with no background or prior knowledge. Sure, you're still early in but the chapters are short and have plenty of space for you to elaborate and really build everything up so the reader can feel immersed in the book.

Why does it feel like it's almost always the mother who does horrible things to the child?

I liked that the character is deemed a prodigy and very intelligent. It's a nice touch.

What's with the [h/c] and [h/l]. This isn't an x Reader is it? If it is, you need to state this in the description or the title. Otherwise, get rid of that and come up with your own description of the character.

The character is fifteen but the way she talks, acts and even the thought process shown by her is childish. I originally thought she was like nine or ten. It genuinely surpised me to read she was fifteen. If she's so smart, why doesn't she act more mature and show that?

Towards the end of chapter one, the main characrer gets into a conversation with her mother after going to her room but there is no mention of the mother going up or even being introduced for that scene.

Wait. No. She's not talking to her mother. She's talking to herself. Okay, that's a problem. See, if I was genuinely confused about what's going on or who is talking, then it's something that needs to be fixed. Make it more obvious the conversation is between herself. Italics would help, especially if it's a constant throughout the story.

A bit of mistakes with your use of punctuation. You use "-" a lot, more often than it should be and in many places where a comma should be instead. But you also put commas incorrectly. It's nothing too major and you are a LOT better than most who writeon this website.

You're a bit inconsistent with the character's attitudes, namely the mother and MC. At one point the mother is terrified of the daughter, who knows it and uses it against her. Then suddenly she is fearlessly beating her with a spoon and the daughter is cowering? Not consistent. Even if the daughter was surpised, they would have easily gotten over it and intimated her mother or something. It felt like a ridiculous-and lazy-problem you had presented for your characters.

That scene in the last published chapter was unrealistic. You're telling me her father would sit back and let his daughter get beaten after she tried to defend him? He obviously cared about her. You can't tell me he wouldn't have been able to overpower his wife. I hate to admit it but men tend to be much stronger than women, especially if that woman doesn't work out or taking fighting classes.

Something I forgot to mention, it would help if you specify who the fanfic is about. Is it Slenderman? Is it creepypasta? Fixing that is as easy as (A Slenderman Fanfiction) in your title.

This isn't a horrible story, despite my relatively low ratings. It's just not extraordinary nor did it really catch my attention.