When God Made You

Chapter 2

++The Aftermath++

"And she spake out with a loud voice, and said, Blessed art thou among women, ..." -Luke 1:42a (KJV)

I was looking at myself in the mirror. What I did reflected everything in it.

You're such a filthy woman, Elena! How can you ruined what God has blessed you with? I hadn't heard the little voice conversing with me anymore. Perhaps, it was floored for what I and Connor did and just opted to vanish with his defeat. It was now my conscience taunting me. The inner self of mine was condemning me. But, it just spoke what was the truth.

I fell to my knees for what I did. It didn't strike to me right away. Until, my heart reached in its contrite state. Howbeit, my heart was like that. I was still condoning my iniquity to an extent, repentance wasn't yet an urge for me to do. I was in the juncture of in denial. Though a part of me shouting what I did was immoral and I badly needed to confess my sin and be sanctified. But the baleful side of me.. My lustful nature wanted to think it was definitely okay, since I and Connor were couple. Most people think it's normal. People who don't care about God. The lost like me.

What did you just do, Elena? You vowed to God. Didn't you? I thought the little voice was gone. Totally! I was wrong then..

Remembering my vow to God, gave me a throbbing feels within my soul. I let out a mewl. Not realizing that my face was already on the bathroom's floor. And I was in a fetal position. Or I hadn't cared about it anymore.

"Elena, my love. Are you okay in there?" Oh! How I nearly forgot that I was still in Connor's place. But I was too weak to even answer him. I just wanted to have my own solitude.

He knocked on the door once more, "Elena, Is everything fine? Would you like me to join you in there?" In his seductive tone and it gave me an adrenaline rush.

You know where is this going, Elena Amity Hansen. Do not add another wood onto the fire! The little voice startled me as well. So, I got up on my knees, "U--hm, y--es! Everything is fine. I'm almost done, Connor. Be out in a wee bit." I lied. And yes, I committed another sin again. I showered as fast as I could and decided to go home after.

Connor's face lit when he saw me coming out of the bathroom, he grinned notoriously, "I'm going home now." His face suddenly turned into a curious look.

"I just wanted to rest." I resumed and he insisted, "You can rest here as long as you want. My place is yours too."

Conjugal property? I only thought, it's only subjected to married people. But my mind wasn't set for that. Not that time. Whilst my thoughts were disarrayed.

Another offer that might add to another sin. Say NO! You should disapprove. The little voice blurted it all out to me. I knew I would leave Connor disappointed but all I wanted to do was to escape from everything. Including Connor.

I was too ruined inside. I couldn't even describe how I felt in just one word. One concise word.

He offered me for a ride but I refused. I took a taxi. That time, I didn't want to see Connor anymore. Not yet! His presence suffocated me and killed me deep within. I even started to hate myself. If only I could get rid of my own self that time. I, for sure, would definitely do that.

I honestly didn't know myself anymore. It was so strange. It felt like I was an unknown soul inhabiting my own body. Who am I?

Who am I? The only question that kept coming off back and forth.

When I've arrived home. I got into the shower again. I tried to clean myself with soap. Rubbed my skin with it. But sadly, I knew, it couldn't clean what I did. Much more, it couldn't conceal my immorality. I might look fresh and pleasant looking outward. In the sight of God, my soul was filthy and rugged. I couldn't take the fact, I've fallen.

I've jumped out off the bathroom. And prepared myself to sleep. As I was lolling on the bed. I've kept on tossing and turning. Until my eyes fixed on the thing on my side table. My Bible. I sighed deeply. My conscience couldn't even bare to touch it. I was not worthy. I was too unclean for God's words that is really pure. I was so disgusted of myself. I nestled in the comfort of my bed. It wasn't that soothingly enough to comfort me in a situation in which I thought, I was too alone to handle it. Thus, that time, I had to suffice myself with the comfort it only could give. I found myself letting out an agonizing cry.

After that night, I didn't know what to expect to myself anymore. I felt like I was a captain who abandoned the ship. My own ship. And now it was sinking.