JE T'AIME

birthday

[EDITED ON 03/07/2018]

Los Angeles, May 13th
10 am

"Robert."

Suzie stops her hand from typing on her phone. She looks up at me, giving me a confused look. I know she knows something is wrong. I haven't mentioned his name for a long time. But when I do it, my heart clenches in a way I've never experienced before.

"What? What happened?"

It actually took a while for me to hear his voicemail, knowing that it must be something. At first, I don't want to hear it at all. I knew if I do that, I won't be able to move on. Move on from him, from our past. Though I was convinced that I already moved on from him, but it feels like I haven't. He is still haunting me to this day. His smile. His laugh. His jokes. His gentleman manners.

God, I miss him so much.

Hearing his voice, I feel like a thousand pieces of glass stab my heart so hard it feels like I'm dying. I wish I would've pushed him out of my mind a long time ago. But I can't.

It was so strange.

So strange to hear his voice after five years we've been apart. It's still soft, still comforting me.

'Remember that night in London when we celebrated your birthday? It was so cold then, and so silent and I told you I loved you so much. Now it's cold, and dead quiet again, and I want to say that I love you still. I hope you know that.'

I still remember every part, every word he said in the voicemail. I remember, but I don't believe it for a second.

He still loves me?

Bullshit.

Why say it now? Why say it in a fucking voicemail?

We never talked, if we talk about something it has always been the dogs. He usually asks about Bear, Bernie, or even Cole. Beside that, we just text each other to simply catch up. Or on birthdays.

Right, birthday. I'm fucked up.

Really fucked up.

It's his fucking birthday.

Today is his birthday. Fuck.

"What's wrong?"

Huh, I almost forget that Suzie is here.

"Nothing."

"And you expect me to believe that?" Now she raises her eyebrows at me.

"Uh.. yes?"

"Come on, you can tell me everything."

"Nothing, it is just.."

"Just what?"

"It's.."

I don't know how to talk about it. I don't want Suzie to think I'm so weak that I can't even guard my feelings after 5 years. She was always there when I suffer from the pain. She has seen something in me that nobody else has ever.

I'm still thinking what should I say to her.

"And I'll still be here 5 years later, waiting for you to answer." Suzie says after a complete silence.

"Rob left me a voicemail few days ago."

"Rob who?"

"I don't know Suz, Rob Kardashian?"

"What? A Kardashian left you a voicemail? You gotta be kidding me."

"Could you be any more stupid?"