Seconds of sadness

Chapter 5: Sam's torture

You really think I'd lie about what I told you sam? That's really low. I would never do that to you especially, and you know that. Please don't ever try make me tell you everything. That's not how it works and I like it how it is. Friends but kind of more than that. But I don't know what I want. I don't even know if I want to be more than friends because of our history. Please tell me one thing. Why would you want to be with me? This whole thing, is it all just a lie? Why would you publicly ask me out? You're now the laughing stock of year 10 and there's nothing you can do about that. You're older than me, you're one of the younger ones in year 11 and I'm the younger one in year 10. So why me? The only reason you ever come to my house is to hang out with my brother in year 11. Why would you ever consider me and also now my brother hates you. You went for me and he's so mad. I don't blame him to be honest, I'm mad at you myself. I like someone else and but I can't turn you down because you'd never talk to me again. Anyway I already said yes so what am I supposed to do? Please just say you regret it and don't even look at me again, that's the only way my life can be normal again. I don't deserve you sam. I don't deserve anyone who isn't in prison. Because with all the things I've done, that's where I belong.

My whole life was surrounded around sam when I said yes. After tony I got him for around 3 serious months. I started to really love him and he said he loved me. He lied. After our amazing, beautiful 8 months he broke up with me and I didn't come at my room for 10 days. He broke my heart and my spirit, two things that can never be replaced. Along with my pride, dignity and love. Love isn't about how long you've known each other or how cute you look together. It's about the words you say to each other, the loss of breath when you see each other and he happiness inside of you when you're finally together. That's how I felt with you sam. But then again your popularity decreased when we were dating so you dumped me for guess who? Stacey. Yep that's right. Stacey.

But Sam's stupid so he said to me "we can still be friends" which is what everyone says to their ex but they know it's not true. In this case it really wasn't true. It's been around 4 months since we last looked at each other. What can I say, you're dating my worst enemy for popularity and stardom. I don't know how to line a life without tony. He was the ONLY one who I loved and the only one who understood. Sometimes I wonder if it was my fault he died or if I were there for him would he still be here today?

But of course there's nick. He's amazing and funny. He thinks of me as unique and special (I'll take it as a compliment). He doesn't really have any friends at our school, he has so many outside of school. He hangs around the library at lunch and waits for miss to leave before he goes onto his phone to check his messages. He's tall and muscular so even though he's not popular, all the girls want him. Including me. But why would someone like that go for someone like me? He sometimes passes by my locker and we have a nice conversation while girls ignore me and are intrigued by him. He's not into talking to girls, so when he talks to me I get over-whelmed and happy and he starts to feel uncomfortable. But I'm not sure if I want him or not because he's not like the others. He's really different. He doesn't call me names, he doesn't go with 'popular fashion trends" and he doesn't even care what teachers think of him. He's more of a 1990s bad boy type of guy.

It was all fine until that morning. Until the morning of the accident, when a care at 30 miles per hour crashed into Tony's brother. Tony's brother lying dead on the floor. Nothing anyone or anything could do about it, he was gone and no one could change that. I was at Tony's house so much that I grew close to his brother, really close. After tony had passed, I came to his house almost every week to be with his brother. To comfort him, to help him and to cry with him. We started hanging out all the time and sadly bonded over a death. It was a Monday morning, he was crossing he road to get to school, the day of his 3 year anniversary with his girlfriend Bea. He had flowers in one hand and chocolate in the other. He had always loved his girlfriend more than anything. And there Bea stood. Waiting at the end of the road so she could hug him. She watched him die, she watched him crash into the car and she tried to run in front. But she was too late. She cried for around 5 hours and didn't come into school for two weeks, each day progressing and trying to get over it and even though I still hadn't got over tony, after nearly a whole year.

I don't want to be on this earth. Take me away and never bring me back please. Every time I press my pen onto my paper to write this, I feel pain in me telling me to stop writing but I can't. I can't put the pen down, the words are pouring out and so is my heart. It feels so much better after I'm done writing, and I feel the pain easing over itself. But then I stop writing something bad happens and the cycle starts again. It goes: panic attack, meltdown, write, try stop everything and then just stand. Stand on the balcony. Looking over at the sight of death. Wondering why I won't just jump and I why I feel the urge to wait until I'm calm. Just live in the moment and jump. I'm waiting for that one day, the day I finally jump and it's all done. Everything. Life, pain and all. Maybe it's time I do it....