We build then we break.

Chapter 2: The sea and everything beneath it

Memories. We love them do we not? The happiness they bring when we delve into our past and pull out the truly best of times. The smallest of things bring the biggest of smiles like the sound of your parents laughter, and the taste of your grandmothers Sunday roast dinners, to the soft, salty scent of an ocean breeze. These are the memories I'll never forget. Memories make us who we are today. I am who I am because of the memories I have and if it wasn't for these memories that I captured on September the 10th, there is no way on this god forsaken earth that I would be sat here today. I was saved that day, I was pulled from the brink of death for the second time but this time was different, I was not saved by a man who wanted to see me suffer... I was saved by a man who could only be described as an angel.

September 10th.

My eyes popped open as I dragged myself from slumber, only to be met with the darkness I was just captive in. I gasped in the air, trying to inhale every ounce of oxygen that was just ripped away from me in my nightmare. Sweat dripped from my forehead as I desperately tried to shake away the terrifying images that consumed my thoughts, images of him. I could still see his dark green eyes pierce through my own, slicing away at my soul. I could still feel the warmth of his strong hands as they clamped themselves around my throat and squeezed as I so desperately struggled to gasp for breath. The stench of the vodka that dominated his breath lingered in the air as though he was still in the room with me. Tears immediately sprung to my eyes as it dawned on me that this was my life now. I could never be away from him, I finally got out of his grasp but there he was cemented into my dreams, my memories coming back to haunt me whenever I closed my eyes. I cant remember the last time I closed my eyes and didn't have a nightmare, dreams didn't exist anymore for me, it was one constant nightmare after another. 

I collapsed back onto my pillow, heavily inhaling and exhaling to prevent myself from bawling my eyes out and waking my family. Eventually, the tears stopped streaming until I felt numb and lifeless, my eyes stained red and sore. It wasn't the first time either. Every single night since the first time he lay his hands on me, tears fell from my eyes. Tears of sadness, tears of fear and tears of pain. How did he ever become this Monster?  What did I do? I  racked my brain a million times wondering how I had ever gotten to this place. I wondered whether I was ever to clingy. I mean I messaged him once or twice while he was out with friends but I was only ever checking whether he was safe and okay. Maybe I wasn't a good girlfriend. I couldn't cook well for him, he always said he hated the food I made despite how much I liked it. He hated what I wore, and the amount of make up I put on. Should I have changed that?  I never did what he asked, I just pushed him. I never got home on time, I didn't pick up the phone when he rang me every time, I had too many male friends, I wasn't there enough for him. Then the realisation dawned upon me. I'm the reason he is a monster.

My eyes were still focused upon the darkness that surrounded me and I couldn't help but think to myself that I just wanted it to take over me so I was nothing. I know I'm sat here safe and in the comfort of my own home but I'm not truly here and I haven't been existing in this world for a long time. I am merely a shell of myself, empty. And with that I shook the blanket of my sweaty, damp body and pulled myself out of bed. I flickered on the light switch, the brightness luminating my room as I scanned around to ensure the man in my dream was just that.

I looked at my digital clock on my bedside table, the red illuminating digits read 3:30am and I sighed with the mere thought of another day going by and another day of being this mess of a human being. I made my bed, allowing myself  to savour the soft silk of the sheet between my fingers, I then realigned my pillows and picked up my favourite teddy that had fallen on the floor while I was sleeping,  I held it tightly to my chest, my hands shaking as I gripped it so tightly, tight enough for the familiar voices to call out "Hi Maddie, it's mum and dad, we love you millions and zillions, to the moon, stars and back again". Another tear managed to escape my eyes before I kissed the teddy on its head and placed it against my pillows. I slipped on my white converse beside my door before wistfully walking towards my desk and grabbing one of my glittery gel pens. The pen swiftfully glided against the notepad as I wrote the two words I could only bring myself to write. My hands continued to shake and my breath hitched I stared at the two words that were infront of me, the tears that fell causing the ink to slightly smur and the paper to slightly wrinkle but I didnt have it in me to write it again, I didnt have it in me to do anything again.