Held together under control.

I

It's not enough,

It's never enough.

The breathing, the eating, the crying, the laughter. There's not enough. I am emotionless as it's entirety swallows me whole. I am a cloud.

I am crying.

Why am I crying? I really couldn't fucking begin to tell you. I just...am..

My vision is blurred as gray trickles of my chunky mascara runs down my face. I am alone. I am not enough. But, I am still a cloud.

I roam. I run away from my problems. Is that what clouds do? It sure seems like it is so. We're not so different, clouds and I. We both turn gray with anger and we both sob incontinently. Rainbows shine, so close yet so far. It's just a reflection of light and a catch of the eye. It does not exist. Just. Like. Me.

I do not exist.

I look at my arms, the blood slowly trickling down my arms and onto my legs, leaving a small wet spot on my bed sheets. Is it worth going deeper?

I have fucked everything completely up. Not even a month out of the hospital and I go and do this. Can you believe it? Just about 2 years of hospitalization and 10 different types of therapy and they release me. But, only for me to turn around and do this. I am lost.

I am a cloud indefinitely.

I sob, silently in the dark with my bloodied wrists, aching for more.

"Do it, babe."  Twitch takes over and I bring the blade back up to my wrist, completely out of my own control now.

"This is it, princess." It sure is Twitch... 

As Twitch starts to drag the blade horizontally down my left wrist, an intruder saunters in...

"Daddy's here. Last chance to say bye-bye to Da-Da." 

no..

It's too much. I can't do it. I take the wheel and throw the blade away.

"DADDY?!"

I have never seen him sprint to my side so fast..

He quickly flicked on the light and dashed to my side, completely smothering me in his inked arms. I embraced his hold and cried. I have never cried so hard in my life.

"Neo, you're so fucking selfish."

I stopped crying for a second and looked up at Billie, except it wasn't the Billie I knew. My Billie had kind eyes and smile lines across his lips and eyes. His eyes shined and twinkled in any light, whether it be super bright or unbearably dim.

This Billie, wasn't my Billie. This Billie looked so pale and...angry... is eyes did not shine, they were dull and sad. A red spark flickered in his pupils. This is most definitely not my Billie...My daddy..

" You think I would actually care? Look at you, you're a self-destructive, egotistical whore!"

I couldn't believe my ears.

"Daddy.."

"Do not call me that, you don't deserve me as your father."

"Billie.." Something soaked through my shirt. I looked down only to notice a lot more blood than I had inflicted on myself. There was a severe, sharp pain in the middle of my spine. I screamed in complete agony. I stood up and ran to the mirror and turned. As I did so, I noticed a sharp, metallic blade sticking out of my back. I screamed once again.

I turned back to Billie, but before I could utter a single syllable, more blood soaked through the sheets, however, it was not my blood. I looked down and noticed Billie's wrists were a complete crime scene. They were slashed to no repair and blood poured out of them like a waterfall.

"You did this to me!" He fell back onto my pillow and everything swam around me. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't see.

I sat bolt upright in my bed, looming in the pitch black surroundings of my room. All around me was sweat and tears. My throat hurt so much. I had been screaming.

I got out of my bed and looked in the mirror. No knife.

I sighed and swallowed the lump in my throat and left my room to get a drink of water. 

On my way down, I stopped to peer into my parent's room. They were both there, sound asleep. Billie was there. his hand hanging off the bed with a light snore in the back of his throat. I smiled slightly and entered the room and leaned down to his side and kissed his cheek.

I turned to walk out of the room when a stir startled me to a halt.

"Why aren't you in bed, little miss?" My Billie, not dream Billie.

"Sorry, I was just leaving."

He moaned in agreement and I walked out of the room. As I was about to close the door behind me, he made a short and sweet reply.

"I love you, Peach."

I smiled in contentment and closed the door completely shut behind me.

I tip-toed down the stairs and into the kitchen to pour a glass of water for myself. I took a sip and leant against the counter. As I looked up, I sighed.

I sure was a fucking cloud.

"You're annoying."

Shut the fuck up.