The Void Of Me

How to Save a Life

"Where did I go wrong I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life"

~ How to Save a Life by The Fray

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I'm done. Done with my thoughts, I'm done with my brains little voice saying telling me that no one likes you, you're really ugly, why do people talk to you, and that you should die. I hear this constantly. I'm done with the we will all love you bullshit. i'm dying, slowly but surely dying. I'm hiding this fact, since it's not a physical war, but it's there. It's funny actually, knowing that everyone doesn't know what i'm going through, everyone is saying that I'm happy all of the god damn time. I'm not! This is a mask! Is my acting so good that you don't even know the difference? There are cuts all over my arm. I am constantly telling myself that today is the last day so I don't have to fight anymore! Do you know what it's like, trying to fight the voices in my head? They are winning, my thoughts, my depression. I'm doing everything I can to push back another day, but this war, it's going to end bloody, and the blood's going to be mine.

Always keep fighting I say, it will get better I say. But I think my words are lost upon her. I'm trying to save a life, this war is too far spread and takes far far too many lives. Suicide. It's a possibility to her. And it's terrifying. People love her. A Lot of people, and it's horrific to see that she can't see that. She can't see that it will get better, she thinks that she's alone. She puts up a wall and hides behind it, acting like her life depends on it. I can start to see cracks in her facade. I just hope that I can save her before it's too late

I'm done pushing. I'm done trying. These thoughts have taken over my head and make this the only thing I can think. I should be able to control this since it's all in my head, but I can't. My emotions have won, the imbalance that is depression have taken away my fun. I can't feel anything but pain and hurt, my emotions have gone numb I want to feel something other than the lack of feeling. I've had enough. Good bye. I put the gun to my head and I pull the trigger.

What did I do wrong? I lost her. She was beautiful. Could I have done anything different? I killed her. Not directly, but I didn't stop her. I couldn't have. I was going to reach out to her, I was going to help. But I guess I can't do that anymore. If I did it sooner, could I have saved a life?