My Understandings (An Austin Carlile Fan Fiction)

Death

I took out my old, beat up typewriter. I use it when I have just had an attack, or I need to get my mind off something. We just left Austin's, and Alan came with us, deciding to stay the night. I locked myself in my room the second we walked into the house. Now, I'm all alone with my thoughts and typewirter.

"Death greets me every day

He tells me I have a choice

He claims I can cheat, or I can go in peace

I always choose peace

I can't cheat Death

No one can

So I die every day"

I do die a lot. I have died so many times. I died today at Austin's. Every time I have an attack I die. A piece of me is gone, and I hate it. I can't control my anxiety, and all that does is stress out my brother and Alan.

" DEATH, WHY WON'T YOU TAKE ME PERMANENTLY?" I typed. Why can't he send me to heaven? He can send me down with Mom and Dad for all I care. I just want to die for good. I don't want to come back. Where's my razor? I got up from my bed, and looked around. Where did I put it? I groaned, and looked in my droors. I felt a slight pain in my index finger. There it is. I grabbed it, and lifted up my shirt. I was about to slash it across my skin when someone knocked.

"Me and Alan are going to get your medecine," Cal told me. I nodded even though he couldn't see. "Austin is here."

My head shot up from my stomach. "W- what?" I stuttered.

"I asked him to stay. I'm not explaining why. I think you know." And with that he left. I slashed the razor across my stomach, and winced a bit. Blood poored out of me. I smiled. Good, good. Punishing myself is something I do every time I have an attack that I could have prevented.

There was another knock on the door. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," I said, pulling down my shirt, letting the cloth soak up the liquid. I stood up slowly, wincing a bit again.

"You sure?" Austin asked.

"I said I'm fine," I said, my voice raised a little. I hid my razor in my droor, and walked over to the door. I checked my hands for any blood. None. I unlocked the door, and brushed past Austin. My shoulder brushed his arm. I kept walking, but I felt his eyes on me. I took a deep breath. Alan knows this guy. He wouldn't leave me with him unless he wouldn't hurt me.

I sat down on the couch, but the eyes were no longer on me. I turned around, but Austin wasn't there. I decided to wait for a minute to see if he would come, but he didn't. I shot up, and ran to my room. For sure, he was there reading the paper in my typewriter. I stood in the door, tears threatening to come. Austin stood from my bed. "You want to die?" he asked. I didn't answer. This guy barely knew me. He had no business in my life, but had a look in his eyes. A look I only saw from Cal and Alan. His eyes were filled with worry. That broke me. I began to cry. My knees gave out on me, and I sat on the ground. Tears flew out of my eyes. A man I had jsut met a few hours ago cares for me?

Austin ran over. He sat against the wall, and pulled me between his legs. He let me cry in his chest. His shirt becoming damp from my tears. "H-how?" I stuttered.

"How what?" he asked.

"H-how do you care already?"

"How could I not? Everyone says you're a great person. They say you're always happy, and you have a great personality. Am I wrong?" he asked.

I nodded. "I'm overrated," I whispered.

His grip on me tightened, and he kissed the top of my head. "I don't mind it," he said, making me cry even more.

After a while Austin broke the silence. "You hurt yourself, don't you?"

"Austin," I whispered, "you don't need to care." I looked up, and met his eyes. His warm, caring eyes. "Don't," I said. I kissed his cheek, and untangled myself from his grip.

But he pulled me back down. "I can't help it. Stay?" he begged. I nodded, but I don't understand why he is asking me to stay with him. But in his arms  I felt safer than even, and, for the first time, I didn't want Death to take me.