My Nuclear Family

Chapter 1 - The Zoo

Oh my buddha! Today's the day! Mum's finally taking our fat asses to the zoo. After months of pleading and whining, she's finally succumbed to the wrath of her beautiful children. You probably want to know all of our sexy names, so we've got (from oldest to youngest) Faith, Leah, Greg and I (we're the twins), Katelyn, and little Arlo.

"Kids! We're going to be late! Katelyn, darling, stop shoving cheese sticks into Arlo's mouth!" shouted our loving mother (oh and her name is Erica by the way).

"But mummy! He told me that cheese sticks tasted like poop, so I'm doing him a favour!" Katelyn rebutted.

"Well do it less... grotesquely, darling" Mum said with an annoyed sigh as Katelyn carefully lodged in a good 4 more. "Honestly I've got to stop buying those" she sighed.

I swear, Arlo and Katelyn are always getting into shit like this, yesterday they both clogged the toilet trying to flush down Nate, our hamster. The day before, he got pegged by a basketball by our next-door neighbour Cameron. Poor little Nate, he's always finding himself in unfortunate situations, I'm surprised he's still alive after 15 years... do hamsters even live that long? Eh who cares, I never did pay attention to my biology classes anyway. Anyways enough about that little ball of fat fur, back to Arlo and Katelyn.

Now, they're crazy little shits. One time, I tried to be a studious, perfect little girl for once and do my maths homework but out of nowhere I hear this ear-shattering scream that came from just outside my room, but before I could do anything about it, my door comes flying open revealing a little 4 year old black boy in his birthday suit being bombarded literal shit by his slightly older sister. I'm not joking. Katelyn literally scooped up her poop and threw it to Arlo because he looked "like poop". Racist little shit isn't she? Well, Arlo isn't any better. So Faith and Leah decided to go out with a few friends to watch a movie but they didn't know that the sneaky little scamp decided to climb into the trunk of the car and yeah, you can probably tell where this leads to (hint: it involves screaming, public embarrassment and a whole lot of faecal matter!).

Anyways enough life stories, I need to go get dressed for our lovely and wonderful trip to the zoo! So I've finished eating my breakfast, washed my dish (and removed a handful of cheese sticks from Arlo) and proceeded to go to my room. But in this household, doing simple things like this doesn't come without a price, of course. Katelyn zipped out of nowhere and viciously attacked me because she wanted the cheese sticks in my hand. Well, she didn't really do much, she just whacked me a couple times with her Princess doll and I couldn't be bothered dealing with her today so I just handed over all of the cheese sticks and ran straight into my room to change.

"Jen! Where's my jacket!?" screamed Faith from her room, right to the left of mine as I put on my hot pink shirt with matching blue sweatpants.

"I don't have it! Last time I saw it was when Katie decided to become a dinosaur and needed scales!" I replied, irritably.

"Jen you asshole! Why didn't you take it!? That costed me heaps!" Faith yelled with a slight tone of melancholy. "KAAAATIEEEE!"

"What?" replied Katelyn as she crawled up the stairs and stopped just outside Faith's room in the hallway.

"Katie, sweetie, where's my jacket?" said Faith in a hushed tone, trying desperately not to upset Katelyn.

I open my door and poke my head out to observe the scene.

"I dunno" Katelyn blurted as she shrugged and ran away.

"Sometimes I just want to wring my hands around her neck." Faith sighed. "But that little turd will probably snitch on me. Plus she knows about my 'cheat days'."

Faith was on a diet after her ex-boyfriend, Jaden, called her a fat tub of lard after they broke up. I don't know what his problem was but I can assure you, my sister is sexy as fuck! I would know, she gets it from me. But Faith isn't really known for being the strongest of minds, she tends to believe what others say about her, regardless of how true it is. Thankfully for her, Leah and I are almost always there to set things right.

"Oh my god, you guys are so friggin' loud" complained Greg as he lumbered out from his bedroom, opposite to mine. "I can't ever catch a break here."

"Shut your face Greggy, you're the one who keeps us all awake at night when you have Casey over. Karma's a bitch" Replied Leah as she swaggered out of the bathroom with her untamed long black hair, just barely contained in her Samoan-patterned towel. "We all know that you two are obviously not doing math homework."

Casey is my twin brother's girlfriend. She's all about it, she think she's better than all of us. She once pushed over Katelyn and Arlo and yelled at them because they were "in her way", I know Katelyn and Arlo can be really annoying sometimes, but they're still my younger siblings and no one pushes them over except for us. Like seriously, you should've seen what Leah did to Casey. She freaking sent her to hospital, no joke. But anyway, I seriously don't know what her problem is, and honestly I can't believe that our Greg is dating her. We've all tried on multiple occasions to break them up, even mum tried at some point, but it's no use, we're stuck with her until further notice. Anyways, enough about that bitch, just talking about Casey gives me headaches.

"Shut the fuck up Leah." Greg said as his cheeks quickly swell of red and regret. Oh my buddha. He swore at Leah. Oh he's in for it now.

"Exa-cuuuuse me?" Leah snapped her fingers in a Z shape as she stomped over to him, towering over Greg as bites his lips and desperately looks at me for help. I ain't gonna do nothing, he knew what he got himself into.

I quietly mouth to him "Run."

Leah lets out a bellowing cry as she chases Greg frantically around the house. I run over by the railing to watch the chaos unravelling in the living room below.

"CRAZY WOMAN AFTER ME! HELP!" Greg shouts as he ducks under the ironing board standing outlandishly in our living room. I see mum standing by the ironing board and we both exchange pitiful looks as Greg begins to runs up the stairs. This is so pathetic, I've seen enough. I walk to my room, open up my door and signal for him to come inside before Leah sees. He zooms right in, like a cheetah going through menstruation or something (I'm not very good with animals). I quickly shut the door behind him and we quietly wait out the storm.

"Oh Gre-e-eg!" Leah taunts as she stomps past my room. "Oh Greggy-weggy! Where are you?"

I see Greg sitting by my bed looking a little frazzled, so I walk over to him. "Greg..." I tell him as I put my hand on his shoulder, "Go out there, apologise and get changed, we're going to be fucking late for the zoo."

"But-but-but..." Greg stammered.

"No buts, only ass." I tell him as I drag him off the ground and out my door.

I let out a deep sigh as I hear screams and thumps just outside my door. I feel bad now. Eh, I'll get over it. Anyways back to readying myself for the trip to the zoo. I find my socks and shoes, put them on then I check outside my room for any signs of life after Leah's rampaging. I wince as I spot Greg lying on the side of the hallway with a black eye on his left eye. I sigh as I go downstairs and attempt to fetch the frozen peas from the freezer. I say 'attempt' because Katelyn and Arlo are probably lurking in the shadows waiting to strike.

"HYAAAHHHHH!" Arlo screeches as he jumps down from the ceiling fan in an attempt to pin me down as if on cue.

"AH FUCK! MY KNEE!" I yell as he lands on me elbows me right on my kneecaps. "YOU LITTLE SHIT BAG! I'LL FUCKING SNAP YOUR NECK!"

Arlo runs away in fear as I stifle a laugh. Feels good to be an older sibling. Anyways, I hop on over to the freezer and get the frozen peas. I hobble on over to Greg's room to give him the cold frozen peas.

"I come in peas." I tell him as I hand him the peas. He shoots me a dirty look as I walk out. How rude, he didn't even say thanks. Oh well. I'll just have to use these peas for myself.