The Colorless Period

Synesthesia

Uncertainty is blue

It is the color that has been with me the longest
Sure, first there was pink
But call pink a side effect of gender
Blue was the first me that was me

Next came red
I was alive
Red was the first me to appreciate me
Red was the first me to want more than what I was
Red was the first to acknowledge change needed to come
Red was the first me to love me and love being me

Then came grey
Grey was surprising
Grey was unexpected
Grey was something I never thought I'd be in life
Grey was my infatuation with formal education
Grey was my growth
Grey me was the me that took leaps and didn't look back
Grey was the me who gave herself to others, even more than my blue did
But meddled less than my red did

Grey took a plunge
Became a darker, deeper shade
The grey I was once is not the gray I am now

The Gray of today is bitter
The Gray of today is tired
The Gray of today knows herself
The Gray of today is desperate
The Gray of today feels like she's drowning
Drowning in the blue that the grey of yesterday clung to within her
The Gray of today has had it
The Gray of today does not want to listen
The Gray of today knows better
But the Gray of today is tired
Gray is caught between who she is expected to be and living
The Gray of today wants to be Grey, not Gray
The Gray of today wants to live
The me of today wants to be Grey, but undeniably cannot so
The me of today is stuck between Grey and Gray
The me of today is a greɪ whose blue is not a speckle, but a circle
One that threatens to overcome the gray, and who has left the red as nothing more than a dot
The me of today is at a standstill, and nothing will happen until I define my colors

Author's Note:
Did you enjoy the poem? I hope you did. It is close to my heart and it is a strange feeling between nostalgia and sadness.

Feel free to leave a comment, I'd love to hear your feedback on the poem or how it made you feel or how you interpret it.

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Love,
Lily