The Colorless Period

Interstice

Oh had I only known what awaited me beyond the gray
After gray came robbin's egg blue
Such a particular color
Such a specific shade
A shade that hides the ugly behind a lace fallacy
When I was gray, I was so utterly lost, but no one noticed
And when the days of pearls, and gold and robin egg blue arrived
All were deceived by an image of grace
Or perhaps they knew all along but were too scared to open their mouths
I was trapped in an atrocious place
No one spoke up
So broken and yet everyone acted like I was privileged
Some would even say I should be grateful to be given such an opportunity

How morbid

To think I should be grateful for the wreckage that pulls me under the water

Co-dependancy
When I first heard those words, I accepted them as true
Then I doubted, but it was an immutable fact
Like low-self esteem, like abuse, like the latest acquisition of sexual aversion
When I was blue, I was broken
And the man who seemed to love that blue and grow that blue and feed that blue
That man has left me more broken than I was to begin with

Now I am not blue or red or grey or even gray

I am colorless
I am stuck in a whirlpool
Unable to swim out
Trying to pull myself up all the ladders that people seem to throw from helicopters

But every time I feel like I have a steady grip my hands slip and I keep spinning in this whirlpool

Debating immutable facts, because for the longest time I was told that the immutable facts were
Selfishness, unworthiness, a product of pure luck to take care of, to watch fearfully
And while my logical brain understands these alleged immutable facts were a byproduct of the actual immutable facts

It's hard to change a street dog's ticks.

Author's Note:
Hey, I hope you enjoyed my poem and that it spoke to you on some level. Please feel free to give me feedback, I'd love to know your thoughts. Sending out love to all those who are stuck in a whirlpool, you'll be free someday.

Love,
Lily