Happier

Hannah took a walk - it let her escape for a while, and these days she'd take any escape she could. Just to get out. But she couldn't fully get out. It was always in the forefront of her mind and that was something she could never, ever escape from. The past month had been hell on earth for the small blonde, but what could she do?

Her feet took her by the park, the wind catching the bare branches of the trees around her and the cold autumn air caught her cheeks bitterly. She decided she needed a coffee so she took the next exit of the park on her right passing a few coffee shops before she came to her favourite one. She spotted her, in his arms as he held both their hot drinks - she was putting her number in his phone.

Hannah walked straight home, forgetting about her coffee. When she got there the tears they spilt over, they had been threatening for a while. She slid down the back of the solid wooden door before sobs began to wreck through her body as she grabbed her phone pulling up her contacts. They answered on the second ring and another sob escaped her.

"Oh Hannah," Mamrie sympathised as she listened to her friend cry down the line.

~

"You really hurt her Hannah, you can't expect her to let that go so easily," Mamrie told her youngest friend who had called her for a pep talk. But they were words Hannah didn't want to hear. She knew that she had failed Grace. It wasn't intentional and she hated herself for it. No one could ever hate Hannah for hurting Grace as much as she hated herself for it.

For a while before they broke up Hannah hadn't been happy, the darkness was back and there was no pushing it away. But she didn't feel like she could let Grace in so she bottled it all up. She lost herself within it all. How could anyone love me when I don't even love myself? Hannah asked herself.

The anxiety of it all was eating her up.

It made her feel so small and so incapable.

Until she couldn't take it anymore.

So she told Grace. She told her about her demons. How they make her unloveable. It completely destroyed Grace. That Hannah had been battling such a bad bout of depression all this time, alone. What she didn't know what that it was destroying Hannah just as much, but she let her go. Hannah tried to be selfless as she could and let her love walk away.

"Ain't nobody hurt you like I hurt you,
But ain't nobody love you like I do.
Promise that I will not take it personal, baby,
If you're moving on with someone new."

~

She had been back on the right track for little while now. Hannah had become quite close friends with Tyler because he was safe. He didn't pose a threat: there were no memories or personal jokes he shared with Grace. And Hannah was so desperately trying to rid her mind Grace that she often made connections between the two. Except it never worked, ever. And so she found herself straying away from Mamrie and the memories she brought with her of Grace.

"Let's go get some take out?" Tyler suggested as they lay in Hannah's flat, shamelessly binging on some stupid reality programme.

Hannah accepted - it was late on a Friday night after all. And she was pretty peckish.

They collected their Thai and walked back to Hannah's car. Across the street a bar was closing and people flooded out of the doors. She spotted Grace. Another girl was holding her heels for her as they stumbled out of the club together - she couldn't see her face as she was looking at the ground and the dark made it hard to make out any features. The tall blonde went over on her ankle but her date caught her and they laughed uncontrollably. The faceless woman kissed the lips Hannah thought about every day. She spoke to Grace and she smiled in a way Hannah loved.

'"Cause baby you look happier, you do
My friends told me one day I'll feel it too
And until then I'll smile to hide the truth
But I know I was happier with you."

~

It got really bad again after that night. The night she seen Grace. In the back of Hannah's mind she had just been another straight girl experiment, especially after the first time she seen Grace dating the bloke at the coffee shop. The other night had stung a little bit more but not as much as it was about to sting now as she sat scrolling through her social media where everything reminded her of Grace. So much so she had drunk half a bottle of scotch which sat beside her on the floor.

Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr.

That was her ritual for checking her socials. A few retweets on Twitter would settle her fans, they were worried about her quiet spell. Tyler had noticed them freaking out earlier and sent her a message. She crept onto Instagram liking a few fan accounts and some of her friends pictures.

Mamrie's name appeared above a picture on her screen. It was her being kissed on the cheek. Mamrie was in a blue top and the blonde woman who was kissing her was wearing red. Her mind was cast back to the last time she seen Grace and the world stopped turning as she relived the scene. The giggling, the closeness, the kiss - it was Mamrie.

Hannah was about to throw up.

She knew that Grace would move on and she knew Mamrie deserved someone as beautiful, both inside and outside, as Grace was. Someone with more self worth than me deserved Grace. Hannah thought as she realised - there would never be a time she stopped loving Grace.

"Baby, you look happier, you do,
I knew one day you'd fall for someone new.
But if breaks your heart like lovers do,
Just know that I'll be waiting here for you."