13 Reasons Why (Emison)

Tape 1, Side A

I walk the halls slower, knowing I will never see her again. It's hard. Everything seems gray and duller without her. I was so in love with her that she was like the sun to me and it's hard, I think, to not see her lighting up the halls anymore. To know that she's gone. To want to see her and know that you can't.

To feel like there will never be another sunny day.

I glance to my left and I can almost still see her, standing at a locker and talking to someone. She glances back at me and smiles and I feel the sun wash over me.

But it isn't her. I shake my head and she disappears. I frown and continue on.

I walk up to her old locker to look at all the photos and flowers people have put there. 

"She was so pretty," a girl says.

"Totally," her friend agrees. They take a selfie with Alison's locker.

"What is it again?"

"Hashtag never forget."

I ignore their insensitivity and walk closer, staring at the locker. Missing her. 

Suddenly I feel a presence beside me and Caleb Rivers, some dumb jock is there. "What the hell are you doing?"

I shrug, confused. "Nothing, I'm just-"

"Looking for something?"

In a way, he's right. I've been looking for her. Ever since she did it, I've been searching the halls, searching the movie theater, everywhere that I used to see her. Looking for her. But I shake my head. "What would I be looking for?"

"You tell me," he narrows his eyes.

I furrow my brow. What the hell is going on? "Do you even know my name?" He's never talked to me before.

"'Course I do, Emily," he menaces.

Before I can respond, Dr. Sullivan's voice cuts in. "Guys, second bell."

Caleb looks at her and turns back to me. "You're not that innocent, Fields. I don't give a shit what she says."

What the fuck?

 "Mr. Rivers, let's go. Get to homeroom," Sullivan says and Caleb walks away.

"You too, Miss. Fields."

I spare a last glance at the locker, at a picture of her. One where she's grinning from ear to ear, lighting up the photo. I look away and walk to homeroom. 

Mr. Fitz is talking about something to do with Alison, but I don't pay attention, going on my phone.

"Mr. Fitz, is it possible we can be done with all this?" Someone asks. We all look at him. "I mean, it's been over a week. Isn't it healthy to, like, move on?"

Everyone starts talking and I sit there, fuming. How could he just say that? Like we should just forget about her once a week passes? Pretend it never happened? Pretend she never existed? Go on living without the sun and act like it's normal? No. That's stupid and it won't work.

"Seriously, I know it's tragic, but I don't wanna keep being reminded of it all the time. It's depressing."

"We're never done with it, which is why it's important to know the signs that someone you care for might need help. I mean, are they withdrawing from friends and family? Is there a change in their appearance? Are they having trouble in... " His voice fades away as I glance over to where Alison used to sit. 

I can see her doodling something in her notebook with her bobbed hair and I'm taken back to the day I first saw her after she cut it. 

As class ends and everyone is packing up, I decide to say something to Alison. "I like the hair," I speak nervously. "The short hair. Um... I mean, I liked the long hair, too. And, um, I realize this makes me seem wishy-washy, and I should have said something the other night, and in truth, I don't actually change, but this change seems cool."