Save me (chenbaek)

06

Jongdae~

I watched silently as the breeze of the wind ruffled the orange autumn leaves. I wonder how a season can be so beautiful yet so painful; it's not fair. Why does Baekhyun have to go through such things? If only I could understand, if only... we were as close as we used to be.

I sighed out loud before looking up, my vision was blurry from the new formation of tears. I quickly took off my glasses, but didn't bother wiping away my tears, for I know... you can't hold on to your pain for so long.

Maybe that's why he was doing this. Pain breaks a perfectly fine person... to the point where it excruciating.

I chewed on my bottom lip as I scanned the surrounding, I was standing right under the tree Baekhyun was sitting on. And that's when I caught the blue of Baekhyun's diary;

No I shouldn't....

But I did.

------

January 4 2013

Hello ... it's been awhile huh? Well I'm back and today... today sucked. Father came home drunk once again. He was more terrifying than ever, he was this close to beating Taehyung today. But I stepped in for him.

He was screaming, trying to stop me from getting all the blows... but I didn't care.
I wanted my younger brother safe.

Father also didn't give a crap. He continuously beat me,  punch me, scratched me, slapped me.. all the above I say. He even tried hitting me with one of his wine bottles once. But I had been lucky to dodge it.

Oh school was great. I appreciate the love from my "fans" but, what they don't know is that I'm just a suicidal boy who has no courage in their own self esteem.

I feel so alone. I feel abandoned.

Honestly I don't know when this pain will stop.

~~~

January 7 2014

Dear... diary ? I Uhm I don't know what I was thinking today. I honestly didn't think I would stoop this low. But I did.

So today, I had recently seen father bringing home blades from... where ever he's been getting them. Those blades... they were shiny... and they were so tempting.

Honestly I thought I had self control. But I was wrong. I knew I was wrong when I found myself face to face with myself, and my hand hovering over the metal object.

That's when I started drawing. I love drawing, it makes me less stressful... and the red marks it leaves behind are satisfying. God, how I love the pain it caused. It wasn't as bad as the pain I feel internally. Far from it.

It gave me pleasure.

But then I realised what I was doing... and I thought about how every one else would think. They would think I'm disgusting. They would think I was doing all this for attention.

But they wouldn't think I was doing this because....

I was hurting.

~~~

Dear... Jongdae... I miss you.

I hope you miss me as much as I do.

~~~

I couldn't think straight. Never have I thought that Baekhyun, from all people could be going through this. He had always been someone I envied; the way he puts on a smile is effortless, and I envied the way he could get so many friends ... I was jealous of how perfect his life was.

but.

I didn't know... he was in so much pain. He was engulfed in all this negativity in his life, and he had no one he could talk to but his diary. He couldn't talk to Taehyung because he feels as if he wouldn't understand, he lost his mom and his dad is abusive.

And... we're no longer friends.

"God Baekhyun how could you keep all this in to yourself??" I whispered to myself, feeling the tears over flow from my eyes.

I'm sorry. I should've tried to understand.. I know you wouldn't hurt me without a reason... tell me... that time you let your friends beat me up... is that how you felt?

No.

Is that a little piece of how you felt?

God damnit Baekhyun. I'm so sorry.

-----

I'm emo. I need a hug ;-;