I’m running,
From my parents,
From you,
From myself.
I don’t want to backtrack.
To be what I was.
I don’t want to be the person I was.
But with each day I get nudged backwards.
Further and further.
I have my feet firmly placed.
Then I see you and I weaken.
You’re the small gush of wind that knocks me back,
Every time.
I see you and become vulnerable,
You see me I become weak,
You smile at me and I’ve lost control.
I’ve lost my concentration.
Think of only your eyes and smile.
The way when you smile your eyes stand out even more.
Those eyes,
That smile.
Then once I return home,
I kick myself,
I realise what I’ve done,
What’s happened.
I’ve done it again.
Exactly the opposite of what I said I was going to do.
I talk to my friend,
They go off at me.
I close it.
I sit motionless for a while.
Then I get up,
Walk over to my desk,
Open the drawer and grab something out.
I sit back down.
I look at my lap.
I place my arm on it and turn it so my palms face up.
I examine my arm.
And open my hand.
I look at the object,
Picking it up and turning it in my fingers.
I look at the object careful of how I hold it.
I look at the object then my eyes flit across to my arm.
I place the object on my arm,
Ready to slide it across the surface of my arm.
I stop what I’m doing.
I put the object down.
I think of what I’m doing,
I feel a tear roll down my cheek.
I put the object on my bedside table. I lay down and curl into a ball.
I hold the tears back as best I can,
But eventually the tears win.
They flow out of my eyes and down my cheeks,
They fall onto my pillow.
Slowly they drench my pillow.
I think to myself ‘What’s happened to you?’
‘What have you become?’
‘What the hell is wrong with you!?’
I look over at the object,
I look at my arm.
A tear rolls down my arm.
It rolls down my arm and eventually drops onto my lap.
I get my earphones and my book.
A pencil and my phone.
I put my earphones in,
Turn the volume up,
Play Black Veil Brides,
And just write,
And write,
And write.
Until all my pain,
Anger,
And fear disappears.
© Rhiannon Barry 2014
