Little Talk

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by kitty_inc

by kitty_inc

THE FIRST TWO PARAGRAPHS ARE UNRELATED TO THIS BOOK AND IS SPECIFICALLY ABOUT THE OUTSIDERS X READER BOOK!!!!

So don't get too excited, I still haven't wrote those request yet. I have a reason not to, but I also have things to talk about.

So, first with why I haven't even begun to work on those requests. It's because it's all sex. Each one of them is a smut request. I said I don't mind writing it but I don't only want to write that and I'm not in an inspirational state of mind to even free write for this book anymore.

Secondly, coming up is summer break, but I'm heading up to Canada for a weekend but I'm also going to spend some time down in Missouri, Arkansas, and Texas. The days I will be in Indy are well, for as of right now the days I'm not in the other states or in Canada but there's my birthday coming up and my girlfriends and Indy Popcon!

Thirdly, I have a lot of chapters I have planned on the anime book and I know a lot of you don't care but that book means so much to me because that's where I put most of my time and effort and I feel as if I failed you for not wanting to update this. But, I can't always get the other two to update this in my place. Even though this is their account too.

Lastly, I want to share something with you. I guess you can say it's my story or it's a rant. Whatever you decide to call it.

So I am an American with Dutch-Irish-German roots with Indian roots once my family moved to the Americas. But I am still American. Keep these in mind. I'm interested in history slightly more than should be considered 'normal.' But for all the reasons that people don't see. People think I'm interested in it for the bloodshed and murder or overall dark meanings and tortures events. That's not the case... same as with my interests with mental disorders and cults. Before I explain my reasoning for my interest and why people think I'm interested in I would like to know what you thought my reason was. Well, first people thinks that I'm only into it because of murder. Plenty of people believe I would do such a thing. They believe I would join a cult. They think that I am mental because I love to read about different disorders. Here's my reason. I personally enjoy reading about it because of you think about it, history repeats itself. Whether we want it to or not. I personally enjoy trying to figure out what goes on through ones mind when they decide to do something. And it pisses me off that people are afraid of me for this.

I've been called a Nazi for learning the German language and for wanting to go to Germany to see the concentration camps and just to see the nation in general. I am an American, and I'm very open to others expressing their religious beliefs, sexuality, race, gender, or ethnicity because I don't care that you are different than in those ways. That's not what makes you any less of a person.

I've been called out for being 'Anorexic' or 'bulimic' because of my weight difference. First, of all I'm am a very tiny person in general. With that being said I don't gain weight as easily. Secondly, I was what you would consider 'Anorexic' when I was younger. I don't remember my reasoning for it or why, but I was so sickly thin that I was forced to eat so I wouldn't be hospitalized. Lastly, I'm still suffering from an eating disorder. What do I still starve myself? No. An eating disorder can be an irregular eating schedule. For me, it's eating even though I'm physically not hungry. I'm physically not hungry but I am mentally. No matter how much I eat I am still hungry. Because of this it has caused my body to be slightly oddly proportioned. My hands are feet are almost flat out just skin covered bones. My arms are thin. My stomach is thin with a pudge, but my thighs seem to be too fat compared to my body. Now I'm not saying that I'm body shaming myself. I just think that I'm not proportional because of what has happened in the past.

So let's talk a few things in the present now. As in what is going on with me? Well, short chapters are due to me developing carpal tunnel due to a repeated action and by typing improperly. It's very painful to deal with and I've pushed myself enough with it. My hands cramp randomly but instead of resting I wrap it and continue to use it. It's not fun. I can't sleep at night. It's 4 am as I write this... and I feel worthless.

I feel as if I can't do anything or that I'm just a waist of space. The thought of my death has been recurring, but for those who care I assure you that I haven't harmed myself in anyway. My social anxiety has gotten worse and I'm tired of people asking if I'm happy. I always reply with a yes, but I want to scream no! I'm not happy! I'm not happy in my own skin, in my life, I'm not happy with the type of person I've become, and yet when I try to change it, it never works. It's like I keep on screaming, but there's nothing to say! It's just a noise to try and call attention, but people see it as if I'm seeking pity in which I'm not!

I'm just wanting to be heard. I'm sick and tired of people dealing with things they know they shouldn't deal with on their own, but not having the courage to talk about it. It's not a statement to be rude, I just think that a lot of people don't understand what really goes on because nobody dare speak a word. God forbid you go against society and it's rules! God forbid you be different than what is considered 'normal!' And god damn it I'm just so fucking done with what the world is turning into. So many people are afraid and seems as if nobody gives a damn.

So, how did a rant on myself turn into this? Something that is myself? Well, it's a piece of me in a way. It's my opinion. You can love it. You can hate it. That's your opinion. But I'm the end I'm just tired....

That is all for now and hopefully the next time I update in this book it is in fact an actual chapter. Until then I'll see you around.

-Kitty