Wish I Knew You Earlier

1

"Naalala mo?"

Tumingin si France sa akin. His eyes, those ever brown eyes, long eyelashes, thick brows.

Ngumiti ako at tumango. Nakaupo kami sa itaas na baitang ng bleachers sa Unibersidad kung saan pareho kaming nagtapos ng kolehiyo. France asked me to stop by here few more minutes before the ceremony.

Nakakatawa nga kasi nakabihis na kaming pareho. I was wearing my dress and him, his dark blue coat with his white undershirt and equally blue pants. Kapag nalaman nila na nagpunta kami dito ngayon bago ang kasal, tiyak pagagalitan pa kaming dalawa.

It was a beautiful Saturday morning of February. At kahit sikat na sikat ang araw ay mahangin ang panahon. Reminds me of the old song from Vertical Horizon we both loved. I was estatic nang idagdag ni France iyon sa wedding playlist. I was deeply surprised with that. Hindi ko akalain na naalala niya pa ang kantang iyon.

"Graduation ball, 2004."

France nodded and stare at the expand of the open space.

"I was waiting for you that night. Sabi kasi ni Tita Sabel, pupunta ka daw sa ball. And that you always comes early. Na minsan ay hindi ka pa na-late."

"Except that night."

Tumawa kaming dalawa bago muli kaming lunurin ng nakakabinging katahimikan.

"I cannot believe we'd reach this far. You know? Thirteen years and it felt like just yesterday," he sighed before turning to me, again.

France looks so handsome today. Well, everyday. Kahit nga bagong gising ito at nakasimangot pa, napaka gwapo na niya. Nagpagupit siya kahapon. Not the long-haired guy I used to know. He asked my opinion about it. Ever since, he always like his hair a bit longer and I secretly agrees with him. But what love can do? Kahit ayaw mo, gagawin mo. You would compromise. Mahal mo eh.

"I'm so happy you're here with me today, Joanne," he said. His lips stretched into a small, grateful smile. The same smile that made me fall hard for him, over and over again. Iyong ngiti na laging bumubungad sa akin tuwing dadaanan niya ako sa bahay para sabay kaming mag jogging sa oval sa University kung saan kami nagtapos. The smile I would want to see every waking moment of my life.

Napalunok ako at naramdaman ko ang mapait at masakit na pakiramdam, tila nagagasgas, sa aking lalamunan.

"Hindi ko pa naririnig 'yong vows mo, pinaiiyak mo na ako agad."

"Eh lahat naman iniiyakan mo," biro niya.

Naalala ko tuloy noong mag propose siya. I promised myself I would never cry because I don't want to ruin the moment. Pero noong dini-deliver niya pa lamang ang speech niya habang nakaluhod siya at hawak ang maliit na kahon ng singsing. I know it would be so hard to keep that promise.

The wind blows and some of the strands of my hair was blewn, covering my face. Inayos nya iyon at marahang hinaplos ang gulo bago itago ang ilang hibla sa likod ng tenga ko. Malapit ang mukha niya sa akin at nalalasap ko ang init ng mabango niyang hininga.

"Ayos ka lang?" paniniguro niya.

Tumango naman ako bago siya nginitian. I am so lucky to have someone as caring as France in my life. Kung pwede ko lang ibalik ang mga nakaraang taon ay hindi ako magdadalawang-isip. I am grateful of the relationship I've built with him, but thought it would be better if I knew him earlier. Ten minutes earlier, to be exact.

Tumingin ako sa relo ko at nakitang may limang minuto na lamang kaming natitira.

"Tara na? Baka hinahanap na tayo sa simbahan."

France got up and I saw his tie not too much in place. Nilapitan ko siya at inayos ang pagkakabuhol nito sa kwelyo niya bago pinadausdos ang mga palad ko sa coat niya. After pulling my hands off of him, nakita kong nakatingin siya sa akin.

"I love you, Joanne," he said before giving me a light kiss on the forehead.

I sniffed, holding back my tears. I know France loves me. And I love him, too. But it was never the same thing. At least never the same way.

Because I was late that night. And being late was never my thing. Except that night of April 2004. I was late ten minutes. And there he met, Corrine. My best friend, the girl I've asked to cover up to the date my aunt was setting me up for that night. Nang dumating ako ay nagsasayaw na silang dalawa. At first it wasn't a big deal. They became an item and I was nothing but happy for them. Pero dahil best friend ko si Corrine at palagi nitong kasama si France sa mga lakad namin, I've slowly learned how fine man France is. Naging close kami pero alam ko na hanggang kaibigan lang ang nararamdaman para sa akin ni France. And being a best friend I was to Corrine, I've decided to keep the secret feeling I am having with France to myself. Even though that means dying by degrees everytime I see them together, in love and happy.

"You don't know how grateful I was for letting me meet Corrine."

"And I love you, too. So does, Corrine. That's why we have to leave now and let's get you two married," masigla kong yakag sa kanya.

France is my Saturday guy. Corrine works during Saturdays. Since they are living together, and every Saturday, France is off to work, we used to hang-out, having breakfast and jog during early mornings of that day. Corrine approves of that. Malaki kasi ang tiwala nito hindi lang kay France kung hindi pati sa akin. At alam kong ito na ang huling Sabado naming dalawa.

Much as I love France, I love Corrine, too. I would be the happiest person on earth to see my best friend very happy. I also know how well France loves Corrine. Tuwing babanggitin niya ang pangalan nito ay may kakaibang kislap sa mga mata niya. And the thing I mentioned about him having the haircut? It was for Corrine.

But it would cross my mind every now and then the thought of the missed chance I had with France. Paano kaya kung sinipot ko siya? Kung nauna ko siyang nakilala nang gabing iyon? Would it be us getting married today?

I held France's hand as we parted ways, slipping inside our own separate cars.

I know in the future they would ask me around dinner, to be the godmother of their future kids, and on every special ocassions, and France would be one of the constant people in my life.

Pero nang magbitaw kami ng kamay at tinanaw kong umalis ang sasakyan niya ay alam kong iyon na rin ang huling beses na aasa ako sa walang posibilidad na pagkakataon.

Nahuli ako sa pagkakataon na kailanman ay alam kong hinding-hindi ko na mahahabol.

And just like the song we used to loved says..

From now on, we'll try to live the life we chose.