the other side of diagnosis

before and during diagnosis

i started this story a little late but not quite, i cant start from the first day because it is too late, but here is a brief story.

my husband was diagnosed last september of 2016 with AML a type of leukemia, we are currently abroad and away from our family.

July 2016, he experienced loss of apetite when i was on vacation, we thought he was only lonely of me being away, after i came back he lost a drastic 5 kilos of his weight in just a span of a month, he became very pale, and continuously  telling me of having severe back pain that we thought was just because of our badly cusioned bed, he had night sweats especially when eating our dinner, he felt dizzy most of the time  especially walking outside though he still was playing basketball.

then i asked him to come with me for a check up, near the hospital in our house, they did blood test and xrays. when results came the doctor immediately told us to go to a big hospital because the white blood count is already to many to count. since i am a nurse i saw the diagnosis in the transfer letter.

at first i had denial, searched about it on google, but everytime i search on it, it just always points me on leukemia, i called my friends, and his friends to help and be with me and take him to the hospital. my head was like floating on air that i dont know what to think anymore.

we arrived in the hospital at midnight, his friends was waiting for us there and they already knew what was on the paper, it was only him who doesnt know, although he constantly asks me what is it, i just answer him with, " lets just see what the doctor says".

the doctor saw him, the result was still the same, white bood cells is very high and they repeated it twice.. at first they said maybe they were just wrong, so me and his friend had a little light of hope that it was not what we searched on google. then the second result came and it was confirmed to be leukemia..

they did not tell him, but i was the one who was told about it, i held my tears and just told him, "you need to stay here for a while the whole night". secretly i talked to the nurse and the horror of hearing it was leukemia just hit me. he was constantly asking, friends already left to rest for a while.

it was holiday, during the hospitalization, the doctor for this disease was not on the hospital.they needed to transfer us on a facility specialized cancer patients.

the whole night i ran away and hide whenever it hit me he has cancer, and be back on his side smiling and assuring him everything will be fine. i asked the doctors and nurses not to tell and explain what is going on. whenever he asks i just tell "dont ask much, just take a rest and pray, God will help us and everything will be alright". but the honest truth was, i was terrified deep in my heart in my mind. everything was fine a day before and this happened.

early morning that same day we were transferred to an isolated room of the same hospital and was waiting for us to be transferred. then i decided to call his family back home because i thought they need to know the truth. and so i went outside told him i will just talked to the doctor. i talked to his mother and told what is happening, at first they were shocked and cried, and wanted him to just let him go back home. but i insisted, if i will let him be back home, i will just let him die without any fight, back home medicines and chemotherapy was so expensive and we cant afford it.  so i convinced them to keep him here because treatment is free... they agreed...

during this phase, he still doesnt know anything about what is going on.

morning that day, his friends came to see him again, brought some food and clothes, me without any sleep, an bleeding heart and all mixed up mind, not knowing what will happen next but showing him a smile and did not show any exhaustion.. i called one of my friends to transfer us to another hospital. we were in the car, i didnt know what to say, i kept quiet and was he. i kept everything to myself, what his diagnosis was, for him not to be depressed about it. all through out our ride i was holding his hand, trying to hold my tears back, trying to keep my mouth shut, trying to be strong, trying to deny what was happening, trying to help him, took a deep breath as we arrived the hospital.