zero

lxxix.

dear oliver,
well if you’re ever curious
as to what it said in between
the folds of light blue and violet;
it said:

to oliver,
i can’t say i’m sorry because i know
you’ll only think of it as a way to pity
myself. there is no pitying here.
i cannot even think of it. i can only think of
what i’ve done. i forgot how you look like
and when you showed up, just..just so gone.
it was hard for me to take it in.

god, you looked awful, kid.
you’re gaining that bald spot way
too quickly, you know. heh.

sorry.

i didn’t mean to sound so
harsh and unknown like a ghost.
i swear. you just caught me by surprise.
i mean, it’s been like what, six years
since you’ve visited?

tell your mom i’m sorry. tell her
that i know sorry won’t fix anything.
but at least she’ll know that i am. i’m not lying.
this isn’t sugar-coated to find closure or anything.
no. i’m so goddamn sorry. i should have never
raised a hand at her. i should have never picked up
the bottle. i should have never denied you. i’m so so
sorry. i wish i could take away all of the pain from you
and just throw it all onto me.

you don’t deserve it. you don’t. you deserve
a father who treats you like his own son.
who is proud to be your father. i can’t even be
a man, how can i even be a father to a kid who
is fading away so fast? cancer? out of all of the people
in the world, you deserve this?

no. i’m sorry, oliver. i’m so sorry. i miss you. i truly
do. i don’t know what i can say or do to make up
for all of the years i left you without any role model.
of the male side that is.

i’m sure your mom did an amazing job at
raising you. she’s amazing.

hang in there, buddy. please don’t go so
soon. i need to you to visit me often, okay?
i need to talk to you more. i need to show
you that i care. i want to be there for you.
please. don’t go.

just know that between you and me,
you’re the man i wish i could be.

- cole

i think he loves you, oliver.
he just didn’t know how to
show it.

quinn