Defect (Niam AU)

I'm Home Now Boy

Three weeks later:

"I can't believe he's dead."

The gravestone stood in front of me, his name etched clearly in the rock, a permanent reminder of the man I once knew. I didn't reply, what could I say? He was gone because of me, because of the choices I made.

"Have you heard from-"

"No." I interrupted him. I felt hollow. Somehow all of my senses were numb and everything around me was pointless. Focusing on my hands I had slipped them into my pants pocket feeling the thin layer of fabric between my hand and leg. It felt so mundane but I focused all of my attention to it not wanting to go where my mind would take me of I allowed it to drift.

I watched as he stepped towards the marker placing a piece if wax paper over his name and rubbing the charcoal pen across the paper. Slowly it formed, first the large cursive L then the rest. I watched him until he was done, name, date of birth, date of death. Just a feeble hyphen to make up his life in between.

I should have saved him.

He stepped back holding the wax paper like it was the most important thing he would ever touch in his life. "I barely even knew him."

"He loved you." I told him, a small smile crept across his face, I watched him from the side. I reached into my pocket pulling out the note I'd taken off of him after he died. "Louis told me to give you this."

Harry eyed the paper cautiously, it was still red with blood, his name faded across the top. "When did he give you that?" Harry asked.

"Before he died, I'm sorry I should have given it to you sooner, I just couldn't bring myself to look at it."

He took it and unfolded it gently, I slipped my hands back into my pockets trying to refocus on the lint on one of the pockets. "Did you read this?" Harry spoke interrupting my focus. I shook my head no. He read it again then handed me the note.

I looked down beginning to read:

Haz,

Im sorry I'm dead. No easy way to put it, but if you're reading this then it's true. What is also true is that I love you-I fucking love the crap out of you! I've died a lucky man knowing you're mine. Liam is the best friend you could ever have, the boy if frustratingly loyal, if I didn't admire him so much I'd find him sickening.

He saved my life because he brought me to you.

I smiled reading his words.

I know we only dated for months, this probably sounds crazy, but Liam and Niall deserve what we have. They deserve to be happy, I would risk it all for them to know a love like the love you have given me.

Love,

Lou xx

"He's right you know." Harry muttered as I handed him back the note. "You deserve love with Niall."

I didn't say anything, just processing my thoughts without expressing them. Since then I've been so angry at everything, at nothing, the world was grim through my eyes. "He killed control for you." Harry whispered. My mind flashed back to that day, Niall standing there holding a gun at my head, I remember closing my eyes. A shot sounded but I didn't feel any pain, for a moment I thought maybe thats what happens when you're shot. That the body can't cope with that much agony so instead your brain ignores the trauma. I knew it sounded stupid, but I was certain I was about die, when I opened my eyes there was Niall standing over Control, he'd shot him instead. It was joy that hit me first, of all the emotions I was joyous to see the life drain from control's eyes, but the joy faded.