3:00 AM Thoughts

Ramble #3

Having been overweight my of my life, and
all of it that I remember, leads me to tell you this: being the "fat friend" is incredibly hard. The simple fact is, it is an all encompassing thing, it doesn't come in spurts it is in everything it rules your entire life. When you are the "fat friend": chances are you feel left out, your friends want to go to the mall, but they only shop in stores you can't fit in the clothes, they want to go to a theme park, sometimes you're to big for the ride and you have to get off mortified to the point you pretend to be sick all the rest of the day, and in many other ways. When at the mall you awkwardly tag along tell them how amazing they look in all the clothes they buy, they ask why you haven't bought anything so instead of embarrassing yourself by being honest you make an excuse and buy a bracelet or something. When y'all do pass a shop you can buy clothes in you don't ask because you know they can not wear anything in there, which is still embarrassing so you just pass it wishing you were thin like them. Sometimes y'all get stopped by a group of boys and they talk about how beautiful your friends are ask for their numbers and you just awkwardly stand there until you tell the boys they aren't interested because your friends are too scared to. You feel so left out and so unbelievably ugly and horrible you swear you'll never go again, but you do and each time you push back the tears and pray for the trip to end sooner rather than later.

Possibly the worst part of being the "fat friend" is hearing all your guy friends talk about what they want in a woman and knowing you are all of it, except you aren't beautiful, you're fat. It is so painful to hear things like, " man Hailey I wish more girls were like you, you are so cool," or "you are so funny and awesome and you understand me you know I wish my girlfriend was like that, and worst of all, "you and my girlfriend would get along great y'all personalities are so similar!!" Well thank you Captain Dick I love being made to feel even uglier than I normally do by you non-thinking assholes. They make you feel like if you were prettier I would have boys fighting over me, when boys barely look at me now; unless they think I'm easy, because as a fat girl I should feel privileged that a man could overlook my appearance enough to fuck me. (Total bullshit they are just ignorant) Boys can make you feel so terrible about yourself and have no idea they are doing it, and so can girls, they say things like, "oh you're not fat, you're beautiful", excuse me when saying, "I'm fat" I never said I wasn't beautiful. Fat and ugly are not synonymous, and yet so many people see it that way because society feeds it to its young like a snack. Fat is not the worst thing I could be, yet often times it feels that way like I could be so much more if I wasn't fat. If I were skinny and pretty, I have been lost as if somehow my weight defines my worth, for so long it felt it did that it is almost and impossible thing to dispel from my memory. Boys overlooked me because of my weight and made fun of me asked me out as jokes called me horrible names said things I won't repeat.

Not all guys treat you bad obviously they aren't the villain in this particular story. But one man in particular leads to my downfall, he will remain anonymous. He was the boy, the one I thought just might be different, the one I let myself hope for which I had vigorously trained myself against for years. He was amazing, funny, sweet, dorky, and so huggable it was ridiculous. We spent a good amount of time together ate lunch together almost everyday. We were friends and he made me so happy and sometimes I could help but get the feeling he may have liked me. He smiled at me and hugged me and made me feel special for the first time. One day he pulled me aside and asked if he could talk to me, immediately I had a swarm of butterflies wreaking havoc on my stomach (in a pleasant way) my heart almost stopped in my chest I remember thinking holy crap is going to tell me he likes me, could this really be it. I was letting myself hope more than I had in years then he says, "do you who's really pretty?" my heart for sure stopped this time I was so ecstatic, he thought I was pretty he saw more than my weight he saw me, I looked at him eagerly and confused, "I know a lot of pretty people who are you talking about?" He said my best friends name, my heart plummeted and shattered as it collided with the cold hard metaphorical ground it just slammed in to, tears pooled in my eyes, I pulled it off saying how that was so cute and I knew she was gorgeous. I pushed the tears back told him he should talk to her and tell her that not me, as telling me would  get him  nowhere he said something about her being out of his league. In that moment I had never felt more ugly I gave up completely on love. Being lonely never hurt as much as that day did being alone was almost a gift I didn't have to think about boys or what they would think of me.

This was great until it got to the point where I was shoving away any one with the potential to hurt me. I was beyond lonely I had my 3 friends but I didn't tell them about what had happened. They noticed my change but didn't pry knowing that made me uncomfortable. As I got older to protect myself I always made it perfectly clear I was not interested in relationships, I was going to be alone by choice not because nobody wanted me. I never allowed a man to think he had a shot, so even if one of them liked me they wouldn't have told me because nobody likes rejection, nobody likes feeling as if they are not good enough for somebody. It's a pain I know all to well and pray no one feels that way in regards to me. I did honestly feel that way, being single gives you the freedom to focus on your goals and to not worry about someone else why you try to build your life. While love from others is important getting where I'm going is my number one, and will be until I accomplish what I have set out to do.

This story is about growth and finding happiness outside of the things that held me back for so long, sometimes I still feel ugly and fat but most the time I am just happy to be me, not forcing myself into strange diets that make me feel horrible and show no results, except usually gaining weight. Getting to be fun loving and having amazing friends who don't make me think about my weight or make me feel bad because of who I am. I am so lucky to be where I am today. And so lucky to have the people I have in my life today! Thanks for reading and congrats if you made it all the way to the end!