Destiel One-Shots

The Love I Meant to Say

12x23 - Dean's reaction to Castiel's death

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Dean was in shock. His brain hardly reciprocated what was happening around him. He hadn't noticed Sam leave his side. Forget about the damn anti-christ; he just lost his best friend, his guardian angel, the love of his life. He had just witnessed the grace fade out of Cas, his Cas.

Dean didn't know what to do. God, what was there to do? Losing Crowley hurt, despite how much of a pain in the ass he could be sometimes. Crowley was his friend; Crowley meant a lot to him. Losing Mom, he just got her back, he just poured his heart out to her. It was going to hurt like hell, but he would recover, he would get through it step-by-step. Losing Cas...he didn't know how he would get through this one. It didn't feel real. How was he gone? Castiel always came back to him. Castiel was always there. He couldn't bear losing him again. He had lost Cas so many times before, but this time it was different. He saw the magnificent, broken wings branded on the dry ground around Castiel's cold, limp body. He watched the life leave his beautiful blue eyes, the eyes he had fallen for oh so long ago. He saw the look in his eyes full of panic, terror, and sorrow; but also relief, serenity, and love.

He was Dean Winchester - savior of the world, kick-ass hunter, hero, survivor. This was his one liability...Cas was his one liability, the one thing that would absolutely destroy him to lose. Dean was finally coming around, finally figuring things out. Dean didn't understand what it was between Cas and himself for the longest time. It was like Dean opened his eyes for the first time; he saw everything about their relationship in a whole new light. He understood the reason he was so protective over Cas, why he missed Castiel so badly it hurt when he wasn't at the bunker, why it made him a nervous wreck when he didn't check in. Dean was about to confess, to tell Cas about everything. Dean was in love with him, plain and simple. He wanted Cas to know. He wanted Castiel to feel the same way. He knew he did, deep down.

Dean didn't get to do that though. Castiel was really gone. Dean slowly dropped to his knees right beside his angel. All he could think to do was pray, pray to whoever was up there listening, if there was anyone up there.

"Why...why did you take him now? I was going to tell him I loved him. I don't get it. I didn't even get to tell him I loved him. Why would you take away the love of my life?"

Dean hadn't noticed the hot tears streaming down his face, or maybe he just didn't care. Dean was broken. This was the one thing to result in his downfall. He looked back down at Cas. Dean's heart was shattered into fine shards, never to be mended the same, unless it was Castiel himself that picked up the pieces and puzzled it back together. But he was gone.

He felt like he was going to be sick. How could he let this happen? Damn it, all of this was his fault. Castiel was only trying to save him, trying to keep him safe. He never deserved the devotion Castiel had for him. Castiel did everything he could to keep Dean out of harm's way. Castiel fell from heaven for him, Castiel rebelled against his own family for him, Castiel killed for him, Castiel sacrificed his sanity for him. Castiel had done so much for him, but Dean felt he hadn't done anything to repay him. Dean owed him his life. There was so much that Castiel deserved, but never got. There was so much that Dean could've given him, but never did. 

Dean grabbed Castiel's body and sat his head in his lap. Dean brushed his fingers through Castiel's soft hair as hot, sticky tears slid down his cheeks. He hugged Castiel's body, bringing him as close to him as he could and sobbed into his chest. Heart wrenching sobs escaped his throat as he embraced Castiel's body tighter. Cas was gone. He was really gone, and Dean had no idea how to bring him back.

"Please come back. Come back. I need you, Cas. I fucking love you," he begged, words muffled by Castiel's shirt. Dean lifted his head and cupped Castiel's face with his calloused hands. "Please come back to me," he hiccuped between broken sobs, tears and snot streaming down his face. He leaned down and pressed a feather-light kiss to his cold forehead. "I'm so sorry, Cas. I love you," he whispered.