Bill Returns
I know it’s hard to keep track of my children, but I want to tell you about my son Bill. Bill was the kindest of all my children. He didn’t have a one track mind like his father. He didn’t want to follow in his father’s footsteps. He just wanted to get an operation so he could walk again and find a job helping people. He had a good heart. It was too bad about that truck……
Well anyway, after Bill died I went to Moscow with Moozina. We never got married or anything. We just had a brief affair. It didn’t last long. I didn’t have a job, and she thought I was taking advantage of her money. Our love turned to dust. She was always getting on my nerves. She just wouldn’t get off my back. I finally had enough of her complaining and decided to leave. I was supposed to meet her for dinner, but I decided to stand her up. I didn’t have any money, but I knew where Moozina kept hers. I looked under the mattress and sure enough, there was over 200,000 Rubles. I took the money and bought a train ticket to Siberia.
The train left at midnight. I got on and was surprised to find my first class compartment empty. I had it all to myself. I looked around. The floor was really dirty, but I was too tired to make waves. All I wanted to do was sleep. I took a garlic pill and drifted off into oblivion.
Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around. It was a skeleton! It scared the shit out of me. I jumped up and hit my head on the ceiling. I tried to open the compartment door, but it was locked.
“Don’t you recognize me, father?” I couldn’t believe it. Father? I looked closely at the skeleton’s skull.
“Oh my God!” I said, “It’s you, Bill!”
“Yes, it’s me,” Bill said. “I have returned.”
“Oh Bill. My God, Bill!”
“It’s good to see you again father.”
“I’m so sorry. I killed you. It was all my fault,” I said.
“It’s no big deal,” said Bill. “I understand. Don’t feel guilty.”
“Why have you come back?” I asked. “Have you come back to kill me?”
“Of course not, father. I’ve come back to help you.”
“What do you mean?” I asked. “What are you driving at?”
“I couldn’t just die and leave you all alone,” said Bill. “I want to keep you company. I don’t want you to be lonely all your life. If you hang on to my bones I’ll always be around to help you when you need me,” Bill said.
“Bill, I let you down. I’ve let all my children down. You don’t need to help me. I don’t deserve it. It serves me right if I have a miserable life now. My heart is a bad one, Bill. It’s not full of love. It’s full of shit.”
“Most people would probably agree with you, Dad. But I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. I think there’s still hope for you. Now remember, keep my bones and when you need me, I’ll be there.”
Suddenly Bill’s skeleton broke apart and fell on the floor. I opened one of my suitcases, threw my things out the window, and picked up Bill’s bones. I put the bones in the suitcase and sat down to think. Even though I was really tired, I didn’t turn in until 4am. But it didn’t matter. It was a six day train ride.
