Kissable & Quiet

3. Get A Grip

I sat in the comfy sofa in the darkness with only the computer light helping me guide my hands to the oreos and milk. This was the best time to write my silly thoughts, dabble through social media, and tumblr, lots of tumblr. All is still and quiet and all I have is my thoughts and the music to inspire me…. That is until I heard footsteps

The footsteps I heard startled me before I looked up to see the blue eyed messy haired boy holding a box of empty oreos. Even in this dim lighting I could tell he was fighting to keep a serious face. “You ate them without me…How could you.” His voice lowered in dramatically.

“I did not think you were going to join me.” I said while twisting off the oreo and giving him the cookie part, I don’t think I ever met anyone who liked just the cookie part until Andy. It was nice being comfortable with him again as friends, but at the same time it does not ease the pain in my heart sometimes. Sometimes I wished for his touch and that makes me sound like a psycho, so I just avoid all those feelings all together.

“What movie do you wanna watch?”

“I don’t know I kinda wanted to catch up on my Breaking Bad.”

“Let’s watch a love story.”

I snapped my head at him as he looked towards the television completely serious. “What?”

“What?” He shrugged.

“I don’t watch love stories.”

“Oh bullshit, I’ve seen the recently watched stuff on your Netflix.”

I huffed in embarrassment hoping the lights were dim enough to not the see the blush rising, “Who said you could go through my Netflix.” I muttered. We managed to find some indie movie that I have never even heard of but apparently won awards and halfway through the movie,  I felt it getting warmer. At first I did not notice it but, his body gradually moved towards mine and then I felt him come closer that appreciated.

 “What are you doing?” My voice did not help as it came out in a whisper again.

“Did you change your hair?” He said nonchalantly musing to keep a serious face as I glared and shook my head no. It took a few months to be where we are now, and I was almost comfortable with the aching feeling in my heart. I thought as long as we stayed friends and kept distance it would not be a problem, however he does like to tease me which utterly pisses me off most of the time, but this time I kind of missed it. I did not want to turn my head but the sudden ding from his phone made me jump, but for some reason he did not seem to move. Our faces were inches from each other for a few seconds before another ding was heard. He then moved leaving me to let out that breathe I had caught in my throat. He glanced down to his phone texting something, and I did not bother looking instead noticing that it was almost two in the morning.

“Hmm?” I responded to his chuckle and he just shook his head “Nothing.” He smiled and put the phone away.

I did not question it as we continued to watch the movie and after it was over I started to shut down the computer, the sudden change of color from my screen making my eyes burn a little he spoke up again.

“Hey Viv can I tell you something?”

I nodded feeling my eyes work against me as I waited for the laptop to shut down, “I think I like someone.”

I jerked my head in his direction and he smiled like a little shy boy telling a huge secret. “Who?” I asked not realizing my voice was shaking.

“Well you’ve met her.” He said looking down, and I could have sworn his face flushed.

“The girl from today?” I asked knowing that answer but I was too tired to think clearly. He shook his head laughing “Oh god no. But you can’t tell anyone okay, I don’t want the guys to know and you know I’m not good at these things.”

My heart fluttered, but it came down when my conscious was warning me to relax, I was tired and could not jump to conclusions. “Her name is Polly.” If my conscious had a face, they would have the world’s biggest smug.

“P-Polly?” I am pretty sure I have never met a girl named Polly, and when did he start liking somebody?, and why does he think I know her?, and before I could continue the rambling in my mind he broke me out of my thoughts.

“Um Viv?” He waved his hands in front of my hands and I blinked a few times before I looked back to him realizing he was waiting for my response to something I was not listening too. “Who’s that?” was all I could muster with a small smile.

“Polly remember, she was that intern girl we were talking to at the radio station three weeks ago?”

I vaguely remember, trying to skim through the faces I met that day, and my mind froze when I remembered the pretty brunette girl with light brown eyes who gave us all coffee. How did I not even see that happen? “Why are you keeping it a secret, why tell me?”

He sighed running his hand through his hair, “I don’t know because I needed to tell someone who wasn’t going to treat this like a joke and takes dating seriously…”

“I’m pretty sure I give bad advice on that subject?” I chuckled darkly at his first response, but looked away avoiding the glimmer of pain in his expression.

 “Tha-that’s not true, you know me better than anyone else….This is weird isn’t it?”

Was he seriously doing this right now? The last time I saw Andy like a girl was… well before we started our thing. I guess this meant that we were really over. Maybe this is what I wanted, but it was the slap in the face to get me out of denial. After realizing I was dazing into deeper thoughts, I managed to gather my broken pieces before huffing and putting on a brave face avoiding his last question, “You could start by not taking home strange girls, when trying out the monogamous route.” I started more annoyed for my sake, but he looked more embarrassed than anything.

“Duly noted.”

I let out a sigh before continuing, trying not to throw up on my words. “Just go simple Andy, dinner and a movie or the park and lunch or something involving food, be your normal charming self minus the part where you try to take their clothes off at the end.”

“…I can do that.” He looked down and I felt the cloud of awkward still growing above us.

“You’re a good guy Andy, you can do this.”

He laughed and gave me a side hug, “Thanks Viv you always know the right things to say” He kissed my head, hopefully not noticing me squirm in goosebumps and got up before I joined him walking to our rooms. “Can we talk more about it tomorrow, and can you not tell the anyone yet?”

I nodded and closed the door after we said goodnight. I felt hot tears spur from my face, am I stupid? I need to stop this. All these things that I think our signs of maybe him liking me are pathetic and I am not some love struck teenager, well I don’t know if being twenty counts as being a teenager still, but I only dwell on this thought to keep the subtle pain from entering my heart. I could not keep doing this.

This is technically not the first time I thought I was being led on by him, maybe it was all in my head. He would always find some pretty girl to be his girlfriend for a few months, before getting bored and moving on. I know it was horrible to think this way, but how could I not.

I was hopelessly in love with someone who does not know it.

“Get a grip Vivian.” I mumbled into my pillow.

I am not hopelessly in love with someone. This is not me. I don’t know how this happened, but I know this ends now. I need to get him out of my head and move on. I think part of me not dating is because I would compare them to him, and I can’t hold myself back because of some fantasy.

He is my friend, one of my great friends and that is all I want. I repeated the thought in my head before drifting off to sleep.