Rewired

Chapter 10: 3 am Reflections

     And that was it. That was how this whole mess with Sammy had gotten started. It really didn't seem like a mess at the time, though. Looking back, it was honestly some of the best times of my life. I smiled as I remembered him taking my hand that day at the mall, walking to my car and kissing me goodbye before heading over to his own. I swear, I could almost feel the warm, familiar bear hug that I had become so used to, even in a relatively short time. I let myself relax, almost drifting off into sleep, my grogginess lulling my mind into a false sense of wellbeing. The one you get when you first wake up, right before you remember all of the stresses of the day. Those few blissful moments gave me relief, even if only for a short time, from the nightmare that I was living.
     Then, the thunder cracked outside, slamming me back into a cold, dark reality. I'd never kiss those perfect lips again. Never tell him that I loved him. And I did love him. I really did. More than I could have ever imagined I would. Maybe if I hadn't been so stupid, maybe if we hadn't been arguing, maybe if I had just let it go, things would have turned out differently. Maybe we'd be on the couch right now with Sammy voicing over dramatic moments in movies. Or packing for college. Or doing anything besides trying to shut out my feelings and simply go back to bed. I looked at the clock again. 3:45. Awesome.
     I walked down to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. It wasn't looking like sleep was going to happen anytime soon. I was rooting through the cabinet, about to settle on a cup of jasmine tea, when I heard footsteps enter the kitchen.
Wearing a pair of pajama pants covered in various colors of Popsicles and a bright orange tank, Ella came padding into the room. I wondered what she was doing up, until I saw lines of worry etched across her face.
"Go back to bed, Ella, I'm fine", I instructed her, a little more sadness than I would have liked embedded into my voice.
"How do you know I didn't just want some hot chocolate?" she asked, heading toward the Keurig. She popped a K-cup into the coffee maker, placed a mug underneath, and hit the button. She was about as smooth as sandpaper, but I guess she didn't show any signs of leaving, so I placed my water on the stove and turned to my sister while I waited for it to boil.
"Because it's 4 in the damn morning and you love sleep more than I do," I replied, trying to put on a cheery tone.
"Cut the crap, hermana, I know you're not okay." Yup, she saw right through me.
"And you followed me down here, why?" I pushed, trying to avoid the subject. I dumped my boiling water over my tea bag and set the timer for it to steep.
"I'm worried about you, Marielle.", she resigned, plopping into the kitchen chair across from me. "This is the third time this week you've been up in the middle of the night, and I can't even remember the last time you seems like you were actually happy".
Admittedly, I had been a little distant with everyone. I just didn't know how to explain without being told it wasn't my fault, and that was absolutely the last thing I needed to hear. I'd heard it a hundred times, and it just didn't help. I still felt like I could have stopped this from happening.
"I'm fine, Ella", I insisted. I did not want to talk about this. Forgetting about it was the sole purpose of my coming downstairs in the first place.
"No, you're really not", she said, crossing her arms and giving me the hard stare she had inherited from our mother. I sighed deeply, realizing that she wasn't going to let this go. It was unfair to shut my sister out anyway.
Not knowing what else to say, I finally let myself give in to the thought that had been invading my brain for the past month.
"I just miss him, Ella", I said, "I loved him, and I miss him".
Ella got up and wrapped me in a hug. That did it, I was done. I sobbed into my sister's shoulder in the middle of the kitchen, not saying another word.
"I know, Marielle", she soothed, "You're gonna be okay, I promise."

Ok, so this chapter is a little bit of a downer, but it was necessary to the story line. Thanks for reading!