Forbidden love

4

I bought the gun a few years back when I first thought about ending it all but I've never been this serious. I think back to when I bought the gun, May 6 2013. I went to one of those gang members that sell weaponry from the trunk of their car. I remember clearly the guy asking what it was for and me having to make up some excuse about me wan ring it for protection. I didn't completely lie. The protection I meant was to end my life to protect people around me. I don't want the people around me to get hurt. They don't deserve it.
I remember the day quite well. That's the day Lisa blamed me for her sleeping with her boss.
I decided to go and meet Lisa at the end of her shift at the hospital- Lisa is a nurse. When I got there one of the other nurses said she had gone to get her things from the locker room and that I could go and find her. So I walked into the locker room to find her screwing one of the surgeons. I left the room pretty quickly upon witnessing what was happening and went to have a cigarette outside and wait for her. When she came out she hadn't spotted me straight away and she was in her own little world smiling to herself. Once she spotted me the smile dropped off her face and she walked over to give me a hug and kiss. As she went in for the kiss I turned away and she stepped back puzzled. I waited until we got home before I bought it up and all of a sudden, after asking why, she went all defensive saying that if I had payed her more attention she would never have done it. Foolishly I stayed with her because at the time I was still so very much in love with her.
Looking back now I realise that that could have been my reason to escape. Although Lisa put me through so much pain and misery I started to believe her and blame myself. That's why she's important to me- she made me realise I was worthless and I need to change my ways. She made me realise that I'm a burden to her and to give her relief I need to end it.
I check over the gun quickly not really knowing what I'm doing but they do it on the t.v. so it must be right. It's got bullets and a trigger. What more do I need to check? I start raising the gun to my temple but hesitate thinking about what I'm committing to. Dec needs me. He needs me as much as I need him. Memories flash in front of my eyes. Good times. Times I was with Dec.