Lost To The Wild

Visitor

I looked down at my hand and cringed at the sight. The wound from my foolish splinter  was now red and swollen. Puss leaked from the edges and left a foul smell in my nose. The skin surrounding its edges seemed shinier and more colorful. This fact was equally fascinating and terrifying.

"I need to see a doctor," I finally conceded.

"That is what I have been telling you for the past three days," Luke said calmly as he washed our porridge bowls. I knew he was trying to be nice, but I could hear the patronizing undertones in his words. He was actually saying "I told you so. And if you would have listened to me before, you would not be in so much pain right now."

"I didn't know it was infected, it only started bothering me today" I defended myself.

"I told you it was infected, I could smell it" Luke emphasized by turning around and tapping his nose lightly in a smug lightness.

"Like I believe that" I scoff. "It was just a lucky guess, I would have noticed if my hand smelled infected."

"Believe what you want Rae, but in the end I was right. How are you getting to town?"

"I will be taking the snowmobile. I don't use it much, but this is kind of an emergency. It will take two hours to get to town. If I leave now I can be back before nightfall. Dr. Loch will probably just give me some antibiotics, a good scolding, and send me on my way." Distracted I poke the swollen flesh curiously and watch the puss ooze out the opening.

"Stop irritating it," Luke frowned at me.

"Stop irritating me," I muttered angrily in response. Luke turned once more to look at my bitter expression.

"Someone woke up on the wrong side of the mountain."

"I know," I sighed heavily. "My head hurts, and my hand hurts, and I just really don't want to go into town."

"Well get over it. Your head probably hurts because you're catching a fever, and it will only get worse. So come on, time to go."

I didn't want to admit that Luke was right, but he was. I hadn't been to town for so long, and the few times I had been there everything had been so overwhelming. You don't realize how loud people are until you live outside the borders of society. The town was, in actuality, quite small, but still. The air seemed to always be humming with a frantic energy. It always put my nerves on edge.

I packed up some food, rewrapped my hand, and set up the snowmobile. It took me and Luke a few tries to get it started, but the old machine was reliable, and always came through in the end.

I drove away from the cabin and instantly felt unsettled. As it faded into the distance behind the trees, insecurity crept along my spine. It felt as though I were leaving an intimate part of myself behind. The cabin was my sanctuary, it protected be from the world like a second skin. Now, without it, I felt indescribably naked and exposed to the elements. The cold was sharper against my cheeks, and the air was heavier in my lungs. I wanted to turn back, and sit by my fire and ignore the throbbing in my palm. I knew these were cowardly thoughts, but somehow cowardice doesn't seem so bad when it feels so safe.

A shadow moved between the trees in my periphery. I stopped and turned off the engine to look around. Pillars of grey wintered trees stood around me. Each of them seemed to be whispering for me to go back. Pointing with their outstretched limbs in the direction of home. Maybe the forest wanted me to stay. Or maybe it was all a trap.

Nature could be cruel. Not out of malice, but out of necessity.

The seasons were changing. Snow still covered nearly every inch of my vision, but the air had changed. It was not so sharp. Instead, it had begun to taste bitter and heavy. The snow would begin to melt soon, and all the creatures that slept in their nooks would begin to emerge. All things that are hidden, eventually become know. It is only ever a matter of time.

I scanned the tree line once more for the shadows of those creatures. I called out a sharp hopeful cry, but only my hollow echo replied.

I started the snowmobile once more and continued onward. It felt as if I was crossing the boundaries between worlds. The one I had created was calling me back, and the one I had left so long ago pulling me forward with forceful tugs.

A small thrill ignited in my heart as I approached the town. As much as I hated dealing with townsfolk, I couldn't deny their generosity or good intentions towards me. They could be overwhelming at times, but a small part of me needed them. I needed that connection to something bigger than myself. Sometimes I felt that way in the woods. But, if I were completely honest with myself I would realize that I am only a visitor there.

I was born in a nice house, with caring parents, and beautiful memories. When I was young I played in the autumn leaves with my neighboring friends. I lived without all the misfortunate thoughts that eventually seep into the cracks of the mind. As I grew older, I learned how good people could do horrible things. I learned how hurtful people could become, and how indifferent the world is.

I was not born to the wild, I have merely become lost to it. I was born a domestic creature. I could never be one of the wild things that lurk through the trees, but I can't imagine trying to be anything else. I do not belong in the woods or the town.

I am a visitor everywhere I go.