Why am I here

little bit about me

yeah if you guys have read my book about my life i have depression. just because it might not be as bad as my friends does not mean that i do not have it. some people think i am happy at times when i smile but the truth is that i probably am not. some times i actually am happy though. i try not to look sad or depressed but at times i cant hold back. ever since outsiders day at my school i have been hella depressed. here is what happened. so it was a normal day but then we had to go outside for outsiders day and i waited for my girlfriend and some friends. i met up with them and we stayed together. we looked at some cars and then went to the football feild. it was towards lunch time and a group of homophobic socs [ popular kids] ran up to me and my friends and started yelling at my girlfriend to get off my lap. apperently they thought that we were making out. we were not. i got up and walked away. i felt like if i did not walk away i would have hurt someone or myself. it was so bad that i had to call my mother so she could calm me down. my mom and i dont speak too much but we speak a lot more than me and my father. at times I would not even call him a father. all he does is yell at me or not even look or talk to me at all. it feels like I don't even have a father anymore. I don't know what happened or what I did wrong.  my mother calmed me down some what but I still wanted to hurt the group. I ran off to the bathroom and sat there crying for a bit. when I heard my girlfriend and some of my friends walk in I tried to suck it up so they would not hear me cry. I think only one of my friends have actually seen me cry. I might be wrong but oh well. later that day when I got home the first thing I wanted to do was start writing my suicide note. I almost did. I stopped myself and did not talk to anyone that whole night. I sat there listening to music. music helps me calm down. music might not help with depression because I listen to some depressing shit. sometimes I don't fucking care what happens to me at times. that was one of those times. at times I wish that some people would just tell me pretty lies and look me in the face and tell me that they love me. I want to feel loved. I don't know what I did to anyone because even some of my friends hate me for not fucking reason. I am just a fool. I probably should have just stayed away from everyone. I never should have made friends. my mother might try and transfer me to a different school.