Why am I here

more about what happened on that day

so I got yelled at.... blah blah blah.... I got sad.....blah blah blah. so when my friends heard what happened they did something I would not think they would do over me. I cried when my friend told me what they did. he told me that he gathered all of my friends and some other greasers that they knew and almost started a rumble over me. if you guys are reading this I love you guys so fucking much. if I never met you guys I would be dead. yeah even after hearing that when I got home I still wanted to die. I obviously did not do it. I wanted to but I did not. I don't know why but ever since that day my depression has gotten worse. they really need to shut there fucking mouths. at times i wish that they would understand what they are doing to me. i always try my best not to cut i really do but i really want to at the same time. i might look at the blade for a bit but then but it down and walk away.  music and writing is my escape from this hell. why do they even call this living. this is not living. this is hell and tourcher. why would you hurt someone that already has stuff going on at home and in general when they have not done anything to you. i dont see what i did to diserve this. i times i really just want to stop everything. next year i might restart everything. not talk to anyone. i might talk every now and again but i still dont know. i am really tired of this. yeah i have issuse but you have them too. we all got issues. i wish i could give mine to you and you could give me yours. they would probably shut up then. i really dont talk about what goes on in my life. my friends are like my family. i dont know what i would do without them. i love you all but.... i just dont know how i will cotinue with all of this. i hate it i really do. i wish they would not judge me. i mean i dont judge them so why do they judge me? its my life and my choices. i wish they could just stop talking shit about me. oh and guess what. appearently the basketball team.. well the girls basketball team are talking shit about me. i dont get this world anymore. am i just a fool? i dont fucking care anymore. im done with it. im done with everything. at times i wish i could just run away. my aunt keeps stacking stuff on my shoulders. i like reading but i cant finish a book in a week. i have a life. yeah i wish i never did have a life or was alive but i cant. im sorry. i just give up. im sick of crying, tired of trying. yeah i migh be smiling ,but inside im dying. i always try the rubberband thing so you dont cut. it helps sometimes. i tried drawing on m arm. it helps but then i start draawing sad stuff. i dont know what to do anymore.